Week 13 in the NFL feels like a lucky seven days after the Thanksgiving weekend reminded everyone how fortunate they are to enjoy pigskin, turkey, thick gravy and way too much stuffing.
Even though the NFL is a league of millionaire players and billionaire owners, not every franchise enjoys the same level of luck. Robert Kraft and Tom Brady feel the serendipity, while the Haslams and DeShone Kizer had a 1 in 19,649,922,085,696,900,000 chance to make the playoffs, as per FiveThirtyEight.
For this week’s NFL picks, let’s look at the luckiest teams of Week 13, including the Patriots, Chargers, Eagles and Raiders.
Patriots Lucky To Have The Bills In Their Division
(New England -9.0)
Pick: New England to cover
Sean McDermott descended from his perch as potential coach of the year, deciding to become another joyless NFL coach. Tyrod Taylor was playing perfectly average football as a pivot expected to take no risks, and coach McDermott benched him for following orders, leading to a pair of losses which will make the difference between a wild card spot and another postseason of oblivion.
Part of the Patriots success over the past couple of decades revolves around having a franchise like Buffalo in the same division. Stats back this up firmly, with the Patriots beating the Bills 27 freaking times since December 2001. Buffalo somehow won four games, including a 1-0 deflategate record.
Coach Belichick trolled Buffalo’s annual self-destruction by praising Tyrod in public, making Sean look like a grinch compared to Bill, who forgot how to smile when he turned 21. The Bills play well at home, but the Patriots are rounding into championship form, so go ahead and back New England to cover the spread.
Chargers Lucky To Play Browns This Season
(Los Angeles Chargers -14.0)
Pick: Chargers to cover
Since every division contains four teams, only three teams in the NFL have the good fortune of playing against the Cleveland Browns twice a year. The Los Angeles Chargers aren’t one of those three teams, which makes their Week 13 matchup against Cleveland a genuine bless up, certified by DJ Khaled.
Los Angeles should also feel #blessed to reside in the AFC West, where Kansas, Oakland and Denver have all tripped over themselves. The Chiefs were looking like potential AFC kings until the NFL figured out their offense, the Raiders looked like champs until Derek Carr turned human and the Broncos threw away their season by avoiding Colin Kaepernick.
Hilariously, the Chargers must beat a 14-point spread to create profit, as the moneyline currently hovers around -900. Sure, if you have $900 sitting around, you’ll make an easy Benjamin, but spreads exist so you don’t have to risk silly amounts for small gains.
Eagles Lucky To Play Seahawks After Thursday Night Football Carnage
(Philadelphia Eagles -6.0)
Pick: Philadelphia to cover
If you need any more proof that playing on short rest is a terrible idea for football players, look no further than the Seattle Seahawks, whose Legion of Boom was decimated because the NFL someone thought America needed four days of football a week.
Richard Sherman wrote a great article about the rigors of playing on Thursday before his Achilles collapsed on a Thursday night, which is neither ironic nor coincidental.
Philly’s turned into an amazing team, with Carson Wentz morphing into a football cannon with Houdini’s capacity to escape. A six-point spread is kind of disrespectful for Philly, who’ve been so good that they were able to survive without a kicker against Dallas, opting instead for nothing but two-point conversions.
Oakland Raiders Lucky To Play Against Worst Coach In NFL (Bobby McAdoo)
(Oakland Raiders -9.0)
Pick: Raiders to cover
Do you think benching Eli Manning will send a message to the rest of the New York Giants? If you answered ‘yes’ or ‘no’, you, like the Giants, lose. At this point, coach Bobby’s simply trying to get fired as quickly as possible to collect a massive severance from a mirthless bunker in Homer City, where he’ll stare at his ill-gotten Super Bowl ring for the rest of his life.
This New York Giants team is so depressing that it’s eclipsing the sadness of the Oakland Raiders moving to Vegas. In fact, Giants fans have pooled money together to buy billboards that advertise the Giants shame around MetLife Stadium. Even part owner Mara descended from his gilded tower to express regret.
We haven’t talked about this game because you simply shouldn’t bet on the Giants regardless of spread. If you do, you deserve to lose whatever you wagered.