Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Who: The lowly Houston Texans vs. the equally lowly Indianapolis Colts.
What: Week 17 of the 2017 NFL season. This is the end, my friend. I don’t care how badly the Colts have sucked this season, I’m sad about it ending.
Where: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, December 31st. TV: CBS. Much to my surprise, this game didn’t garner CBS’ lowest broadcast team. Instead we get Tom McCarthy, Steve Beuerlein, and Steve Tasker. If you want to see what else is on, you can do so here.
Here’s some background info to help make this post a bit more understandable. Maybe.
Earlier this week, Charles Pagano was quoted as having told the team this Sunday was “our last rodeo.” While it’s not clear whether he was simply referring to this being the last game of the season or to his last game as the team’s coach (*crosses fingers*), but speculation of course is that his time in Indy has come to an end.
On Wednesday, Jim Irsay tweeted this out:
Now, you know as well as I do that the roof is going to be closed, but I can still run with these bits of nuggets provided by Charles and Jim. I hope.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
1. The Rodeo Song.
This underground classic, written by Gaye Delorme and originally recorded in 1980 by Garry Lee and The Showdown, is known for its profanity. As Colts Authority is known as a wholesome, family oriented website, the lyrics have been changed to protect young ears and minds.
Well it’s 40 below, and we don’t have Luck.
Got a heater in my truck, and I’m off to the rodeo.
And it’s earmuffs left, and blinders right.
Doyle you blockin’ dummy get your right step right.
Get off the field, TJ Green you goof.
You piss me off.
Ya Chuckin’ jerk.
Get on my nerves.
Well here comes Frank with the ball in his hand.
He’s a one-ball man.
And he’s off to the rodeo.
It’s earmuffs left, and blinders right.
Sheard you tacklin’ dummy get your right step right.
Get off the field TJ Green you goof.
You piss me off.
Ya Chuckin’ jerk.
Get on my nerves.
Alright, that felt good even if my revised lyrics mostly sucked. (PS: It’s hard to rewrite this song without profanity, and profanity is about all I want to use right now in regards to Charles Pagano)
2. The running of the bull
Franklin Delano Gore needs 139 yards to earn another 1000 yard rushing season. As he’s averaging a career low 3.6 yards per carry, it isn’t likely to happen.
Or is it?
Charles Pagano isn’t easily swayed, however, and shows up in the locker room wearing a hat made from a bull’s head – complete with horns – a Gore jersey and chaps, and carrying a box of bull tongue jerky.
Passing out the jerky, Pagano implores his men to gather ’round and begins his passionate pregame
nonsensical bullsh** routine the players tuned out weeks ago talk.
“Gentlemen, this is our last rodeo and we’re facing some tough bulls over there in Houston, but we’ve got our ropes out and we’re gonna keep twirlin’ ’em, and let me tell you something, we’re going to run with the bulls. This is for the Indianapolis Colts, we’re all horseshoe guys here, and we’re going to gore the Texans with this guy right here, Frank Gore.”
As the game wears on, it’s a steady diet of 1 and 3-yard runs for Gore. He’s not going to reach his milestone. It’s a sad last dance for his final rodeo.
After Marlon Mack takes a wheel route 52 yards to the Houston 10, he’s replaced by Gore. Gore tests the middle on the next play and is stopped after one yard. Time out, Colts.
When the commercials are over, the CBS cameras show Gore placing Pagano’s bull hat over his helmet as he re-takes the field.
Here’s the snap, it’s a quick fake right, and a screen left to Gore. He slips outside, he’s to the 5, he’s to the goal line and he’s met by Brian Cushing…
Gore lowers his head and bam! Goring Cushing right in the chest, Gore plows his way into the end zone. Touchdown!
It’s the last play Gore makes for the Indianapolis Colts.
(moment of silence)
(Thank you, Frank. You will always be a favorite of mine)
Cushing is transported to Methodist Hospital for treatment of his Gore wound. An NFL rep will show up later, demand a drug sample, and Cushing will be suspended for the entire 2018-19 season after testing positive once again for PED’s.
As the game ends, Steve Tasker corrals Pagano for an interview, asking about his future in Indy. Pagano replies, “I’m dancin’ at two more weddings, and we’ll hoist this tongue jerky together. Just keep choppin’ tongues, Steve.”
So long, Charles.
How the Texans will win
One of the social media slogans the Texans utilize is #BullsOnParade
Let’s tweak that a bit, shall we?
1. Babes On Parade
The lone benefit of competing in the same division as the Texans is their elite looking cheer squad. The author was devastated by the retirement of all four of his favorite HTC after last season, but this squad doesn’t rebuild, they reload. Do they ever….
Here’s a shot of two of my favorites from last year’s squad. That’s Kimberly on the left and Madison in the middle.
I’m convinced they miss me.
This next one is Mallory. She’s a big fan of the author.
I’m not exactly sure who this is, but whew boy. Sign me up. *dies*
And with that, Colts fans, our rodeo is over. Thanks to everyone who reads and supports not only me but our entire group at Colts Authority. It’s a lot easier to write when the team is good, but don’t worry, we’ll get there again folks. Have a happy and safe new year.
If Gore gores Cushing: Colts 13, Texans 7
If Charles shows up on game day and finds himself locked out of the building: Colts 45, Texans 3
If one of the HTC plays QB for the Texans: Texans 41, Colts 7