By Glen McKee, Assistant Nostalgiac to AO
Wow, what a lousy week it was, and what the heck is 90s Charlize Theron doing at the top of the article, not that anyone is complaining? Glad you asked, voice in my head as I’m writing this. Last week for the Angels the bottom dropped out (although not completely out, as will be discussed shortly), and that reminded me of the Angels teams from the 90s, and this song from the 90s in particular:
With that in mind, this misery-filled review is going to be filled with visual odes to some of the women of the 90s, because there needs to be something to make last week more palatable, both for me as a writer and you as a reader. Off we go.
The bad. Almost everything. You can start with the record (2-5) and work your way down from there. That 2-5 came after a very good road trip and the Angels were at home with a chance to prove they were for reals, yo. Instead of being good, they were bad, very bad. You know who was bad in the 90s, at least on TV? No, not Frank Stallone, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen on 90210.
– Albert Pujols. Statistically and comparatively speaking, Pujols had a good week. He’s getting a few more hits, as evidenced by his .281 average. Heck, he even went 2-4 in yesterday’s gut-punch loss. However, those two hits he didn’t get were in the 7th and 9th inning, both with the bases loaded. In the 7th inning, he salted the earth with a GIDP. In the 9th he ended the game on the first pitch he saw. He seems to be connected at the hip to Mike Trout (Scioscia did the surgery) in the batting order and we continue to see the results day after day, and yet nothing is being done. Speaking of Mike Trout…
– Mike Trout. He’s in the worst slump of his career, going hitless in his last five games (0-14) but still managing eight walks in that time because he hits ahead of Pujols. When Trout isn’t hitting, the offense goes from below average to horrid. Please, Mike. Wake up soon, like today.
– Kaleb Cowart. I want this guy to succeed as much as anybody else does, but after a hot start, he’s regressed to what all the cynics said he would be. There is still hope for him, but a 2-19 week isn’t a reason for optimism.
– Cam Bedrosian. He was solid in two out his three appearances last week, but that third appearance was brutal and helped cost the Angels the game, giving up three ER and the lead. Relievers are going to have bad games, but those bad games are magnified when you have as much hope as you do in a player like Cam, who should be a closer. Here’s 90s supermodel Cindy Crawford holding an incredibly dated looking can of Pepsi to make you feel better about Cam:
– Cameron Maybin. Remember that hot month that Cameron had? Yeah, it seems like a while ago. .227 last week, with a .235 average on the season (but he’s also toting a .336 OBP, which makes him our best leadoff hitter since Figgy, I guess).
The Good. Enough of the bad, eh? How about some good? Well, despite the awful week and despite being only one game above .500, the Angels are still only 1.5 games out of the second wild card spot. That’s why the bottom hasn’t completely dropped out yet: the rest of the AL also kinda sucks. This isn’t from the 90s but it is from one of my favorite movies, and it applies here:
– Luis Valbuena. Luis hit .300 last week, perhaps the only Angel to achieve such a lofty standard. He also had eight RBI for the week. Luis, you da real MVP last week! He’s raised his average to .208, a number that seemed unpossible for him a month ago. Bravo Luis! You know who was hot in the 90s and of swarthy lineage? You guessed it, LWIAB favorite Salma Hayek!
– Parker Bridwell. P-Biddy (reason for that nickname soon) had one start last week, seven IP, two ER. He’s the only starter we can count on now to get past the fifth inning and not destroy our bullpen. That’s worth quite a few huzzahs, a round of applause and maybe even an ovation, and he didn’t even start the year on the Angels’ fans radar. Yep, old P-Biddy is solid. His new nickname sounds a lot like P-Diddy, and you know what hot 90s lady P-Diddy was linked with, amongst others? You guessed it, future A-Rod fashion accessory J-Lo. Let’s remember one of her most famous moments.
– Ben Revere. Dude hit .333 last week and has brought his season average up to .258, but with only a .294 OBP. I think he deserves a bit more playing time than Maybin at the moment, but what do I know. I also think Pujols shouldn’t be hitting behind Trout for a while/the rest of the year/perhaps ever again. Give Ben a few more AB. He has 20 SB on the year so he has the speed factor. Why shouldn’t he get a bit more playing time? Sosh? Is this thing on?
The rest. Martin Maldonado is still excellent behind the plate and still screaming out for some games off as his batting average continues to fall. Hopefully, with the expanded rosters we’ll get Perez back up here and give Maldonado a breather. Yusmeiro Petit continues to be excellent out of the pen, as does Blake Parker. Since you can never have enough Blakes, the Angels got another one, Blake Wood (no relation to Brandon, I assume). In his only game with the Angels, B-Woody pitched a scoreless inning, so yeah. That.
The week ahead. Three at home versus the As to finish up the homestand, and then three in Texas versus the Rangers.
Predictions. Last week I was as awful with my predictions as the Angels were with their games. This week should be better. 2-1 versus the As, 2-1 versus the Rangers. In Sosh we trust.