Scene: Somewhere in Ontario, JORDAN STAAL is getting married.
(This is actually of Marc Staal’s wedding, but it;s a nice picture that I took from What’s up, ya Sieve)
JORDAN: Man, I’m so nervous…I don’t know if I should go through with this.
ERIC: Jordan, don’t be a frickin’ puss. There’s a million reasons you wanted to get hitched to this girl, right?
JORDAN: Yeah, but I’m all worried. I feel like I’m gonna barf all over the place or pass out or something. I’m all shaky and stuff. This must be how Chihuahuas feel all the time.
JARED: Good thing I got crackers! See, that’s why I’m the best man.
MARC: How are you the best man? You’re barely a hockey player.
JORDAN: Guys, I explained this like a thousand times. I didn’t want to choose between you guys, so I figured the only fair way was with the mud wrestling match, and Jared won, fair and square.
ERIC: He did not! I only slipped because the sun was in my eyes.
MARC: We did it at night, Eric. There was no sun. But you’re right—Jared played real frickin’ dirty and I want a rematch.
JARED: I played to win, bitches. Sorry I’m not sorry. Sucks to suck.
JORDAN: Jared, could you get me some water, please?
JARED: Sure thing! (leaves)
ERIC: Jordan, if you didn’t want to choose between us, why didn’t you choose someone else to be your best man? Like, a teammate or whatever?
JORDAN: (thinks for a bit) Nah, I couldn’t make Sidney and Marc-Andre fight each other. Besides, I know if I asked him to be here, Max Talbot would give all of the bridesmaids herpes.
(JARED returns) JARED: Here’s some water, Jordan.
JORDAN: Thanks, dude. (SIDNEY CROSBY enters) SIDNEY!
ERIC: Watch your head!
CROSBY: Ha, ha! That’s funny because of my difficulties with concussions.
JORDAN: How was the trip?
CROSBY: It was fine. Sorry I’m late. It’s surprisingly easy to get lost around here. There’s nothing for a landmark for miles.
MARC: Why do you think we all got so good at hockey? There has to be some way to get out of here.
CROSBY: I was just wondering why a family who’s so dedicated to hockey would have a wedding on draft weekend.
JORDAN: For the last time: Heather and I really wanted this place, and this was the only weekend that wasn’t during the season that was open. SO THERE.
ERIC: (makes whip cracking noise)
JORDAN: Shut up, wangnose.
MARC: It looks like people are all gathering and stuff. Should we head out?
JARED: You good to go, big boy?
JORDAN: Yeah…I think we’re ok. I have some crackers and water, I took a bit of a breather, my bros are by me. LET’S DO THIS SHIT! (They storm into place at the altar.)
(at the actual ceremony. JORDAN’s fiancée, HEATHER, is walking down the aisle.)
JORDAN: Holy shit, she’s damn beautiful.
JARED: Yes, she is. And I’m here being your best man because I am awesome.
MARC: I hate how weddings make me cry…I mean, uh, stupid allergies. All of these stupid flowers everywhere with their pollen and prettiness.
ERIC: Does anyone else have a really itchy butt?
CROSBY: Why would you say that in public?
ERIC: Holy shit, my butthole itches so much. All I can think about is how itchy my butthole is and how I can’t scratch it because I’m standing up here.
CROSBY: This is so inappropriate for a church.
MARC: And now my butthole’s starting to itch just from the power of suggestion.
(There are some prayers and such as ERIC’s phone buzzes. He checks it surreptitiously.)
CROSBY: You’re checking your phone? What are you doing?
MARC: What? We have to keep up with draft info and stuff.
ERIC: Dude…holy crap. Look at this: TSN says that Jordan just got traded to the Carolina Hurricanes Brandon Sutter, Brian Dumoulin and a first-round draft pick.
CROSBY: What? No way.
MARC: Way, dude.
ERIC: Holy shitsnacks! He and me are gonna wreck shit in the Southeast!
MARC: Does he know this?
CROSBY: I’m sure they would tell him but they’re leaving him alone BECAUSE IT’S HIS WEDDING.
ERIC: Do we tell him?
MARC: He should know.
CROSBY: Tell him at the reception.
MARC: But he should know!
CROSBY: AFTER the ceremony. AFTER.
JARED: QUIET! We’re trying to have a wedding here, assmunches!
CROSBY, ERIC, and MARC: SHUT UP!
MARC: Kinda weird, though. Getting traded on your wedding day.
ERIC: I know. It’s all, like, ironical and whatever.
CROSBY: If either of you start singing Alanis Morrisette, I will punch you in the junk.
CROSBY: You have no idea how much I hate that song. It’s not ironic at all. It should be called “A list of things that suck.”
MARC: The lack of irony in a song called “Ironic” IS the irony. GOD! Read a book, sucktard.
(The wedding concludes and the couple is happily married. The rest of the guys go to the reception.)
ERIC: Where the hell are they? Jordan needs to know.
MARC: Who tells him?
ERIC: I’m his new captain, so I guess I will. JORDAN! Get your ass over here.
JORDAN: We did it! Nobody freaked out and we got it done! I can relax a little, right?
MARC: Yeah, I just hope you enjoy never getting blowjobs ever again.
ERIC: Don’t listen to him—he’s just being an asshole. Listen, I got you the best wedding present EVER!
JORDAN: I hope this tops the Home Depot gift card, you cheap shitwrangler.
CROSBY: This is way better.
ERIC (to CROSBY): Don’t bogart my touching bro-to-bro moment, twatwaffle. (To JORDAN) TSN says you got traded…
JORDAN: Oh shit, not Edmonton.
ERIC: What? No way. You’re going down to Raleigh with me.
ERIC: Yeah, dude, we’re gonna tear shit up! You and me!
JORDAN: I…(laughs) mother of crap! I can’t believe it!
ERIC: Who’s your best man now!
JARED: I heard that! Screw you, donkey puncher!
ERIC: Go spend some time over in Sweden because their ice is bigger and you need more conditioning, turdburgler!
CROSBY: Your family is so weird.
MARC: “Turdburgler” is weird?
ERIC: AND I got another surprise for you! (pulls out a bottle of Smirnoff Ice.)
CROSBY:…People still do icing?
JORDAN: Ahhh…fucksticks. I hate this game but I have to do it! (goes down on one knee) GROSS! It’s some diet mango acai bullshit!
ERIC: Welcome to the Hurricanes, bro!