The Sports Daily > Barry Melrose Rocks
Brian Burke Explains Trade Deadline Day Actions

At a press conference held by Brian Burke after the trade deadline has passed. Also, if you haven’t seen Idiocracy, you really should..

BRIAN BURKE: Shut up. Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down. Shit, I know shit’s bad for the Leafs right now, with all the veteran defenseman bullshit, and with we runnin’ out of draft picks and players who don’t have exploding bones. But I got a solution–
HOWARD BERGER: That’s what you said last time, dipshit
DAMIEN COX: I got a solution, you’re a dick. Mittenstringers, wasup? (they high five)
BURKE: (pulls out and fires AK-47 into the air, crowd falls silent.) That’s what I thought! Now, I understand every Leafs fan’s shit’s emotional right now, but listen up: I got a 3 point solution to fix everything!
VOICE: Break it down, Burkie!
BURKE: Number one: we got these guys Ron Wilson, Phil Kessel, and Brian Burke. Number Two, those three combined got more hockey sense than any man alive, And number 3, they’s gonna fix everything. I give you my word as General Manager of the Toronto Maple Leafs. They’re gonna fix the problems with the dead offense. They’re gonna make ‘em score again. And that ain’t all…(grabs michrophone) I give you my word (guitar riff) he’s gonna fix the goaltending,  too! (Guitar riff) I give you my word (guitar riff) they’re gonna fiiiiiiiix the powerplay. And they’re so smart, he’s gonna do it alllllll by 2012!
RON WILSON: (mouths) 2012? Ah, crap.