The Sports Daily > Barry Melrose Rocks
Guys on Ice: Cleveland Rocks

Go-Carter: (extended sigh)

ICanhazUmberger: You ok, Jeff?

NashedPotatoes:  He’s been that angry since he came to Columbus. When his plane landed, he had to be dragged out.

ICanhazUmberger: I know it’s not Philadelphia, but we can be a solid team, too.

Go-Carter: Did you guys hear that story about Callamari?

NashedPotatoes:  You mean Cammaleri?

Go-Carter: Whatever. Anyway, he talked shit about his team, saying they were losers, and got traded mid-game. I think I finally have a way out of here.

ICanhazUmberger: He called Montreal a team with a “losing mentality”, not losers. There’s a bit of a difference.

Go-Carter: I tried to give this place a chance, but I just can’t do it anymore.

NashedPotatoes: You gave Columbus a chance? You spent 3 days locked in your hotel room drinking aftershave and singing “Freebird” while sobbing.

Go-Carter: I think I was being pretty generous.

 ICanhazUmberger: So what are you thinking with Cammalleri?

Go-Carter: He called the team crap, and got traded. I think I’ll do the same.

NashedPotatoes:  He got traded to Calagry. I’m not so sure that’s an upgrade.

Go-Carter: It’s high time I stop hiding my true feelings.  I. hate. Columbus. I hate Genoa, Italy for allowing Christopher Columbus to exist, giving this sad sack town a namesake. I hate both of the buildings here. I hate how overrated the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is.

ICanhazUmberger: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is in Cleveland.

Go-Carter: Well…it still sucks, because it’s around here.

NashedPotatoes:  That’s a totally different area of the state, bro.

Go-Carter: Whatever. I hope the river burns again, to the GROUND!

ICanhazUmberger: Dude, that’s still Cleveland.

Go-Carter: Well, I hope that a cow kicks over a lantern and burns the WHOLE city, TO THE GROUND!

NashedPotatoes: That was Chicago in, like, the 1800s.

Go-Carter: Well, crap.  This city is so boring, it doesn’t even have its own tragedy!

NashedPotatoes:  What about Maurice Clarett?

Go-Carter: Did you know that more people care about Ohio state than us? I mean, we’re PROFESSIONAL athletes!  They’re just a bunch of business and communications majors fucking up their knees!

ICanhazUmberger: It’s THE Ohio State. People get kinda uppity about that.

Go-Carter: That’s another thing—the whole “THE Ohio State” thing? Are they serious? That’s just retarded.

NashedPotatoes:  I’d watch what you say, though. Do you remember what happened to Filatov?

ICanhazUmberger: YEAH! How he got stuck in Russia?

Go-Carter: Well…

NashedPotatoes: You can’t seriously be…no…

ICanhazUmberger: IN the KHL! The KHL sucks at everything except for sucking.

Go-Carter: At least the fat drunk chicks in Russia might put out instead of hitting me with pepper spray.