If you know me at all — and it’s safe to say you don’t — then you know I’m not prone to dramatics over baseball. While other fans start their analysis and hand-wringing in April, I’m reading “Baseball Prospectus,” ordering slutty Cardinals shirts from the Alyssa Milano line, and advising haters to calm the hell down.
It’s a long season. Promising players get the yips and flame out, or live their seasons out on the disabled list. Down-and-out teams come back after the All-Star Break and make a bid for the wildcard. Clubs heavy with scrappy white boy jobbers and pitching has-beens win the World Series.
So historically I’ve maintained an otherwise-uncharacteristic Pollyanna-like attitude about the Cardinals, but this year I am, for the first time, losing my shit early. Let’s break it down in this simple mathematical proof:
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Prove: The Cardinals are fucking this season away. |
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Statements |
Support |
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We cannot consistently win games against shit teams like the Cubbies, Brewers, and Pirates. |
See: August results. |
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Sure Brandon Phillips is a bit of a dick, but the Reds are a legitimate threat. |
See: August results. |
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Sweeping the Reds, while satisfying, does not a division championship make. |
See: Rules of addition, subtraction. |
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Our management wastes money and energy on ineffective “solutions.” |
See: Acquisitions of Suppan and Feliz; routine verbal fellatio on tools like Miles. |
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Seriously, we lost to the Pirates last night. |
See: And not my high school baseball team, which has a mean offense. |
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When Pujols leaves for the Yankees, I will hunt you down, Johnny Mo. |
See: Urban Dictionary: “Shit the bed.” |
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Therefore: The Cardinals are fucking this season away. |
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Math doesn’t lie, son. If the Cardinals don’t pull it together fast, we are so screwed.
Photo Collage: The Pharaoh.
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