The Sports Daily > Cards Diaspora
Adam Wainwright Should Probably Be Put on Suicide Watch

Hey guys!  Sooooo, Adam Wainwright lost his first start at home yesterday afternoon.  Of the WHOLE YEAR!  That’s neat, right?  Like, we should probably throw a party for him or something, because I bet he’s really excited that his season of domination at Busch Stadium has unceremoniously come to an end.

What a rush! 

I’m sure he’s not at all upset with his teammates for taking a nap in the dugout until the ninth inning, while he strung together seven effective consecutive innings of throwing baseballs in efforts to keep the other team from scoring too many runs (only THREE!), while at the same time kind of thinking that maybe that whole Cy Young thing might be kinda cool. 

Nope, I’m sure he’s super supportive of these guys for really not coming through in any serviceable way and basically sounding the death knell for the team’s playoff changes.  It’s an athlete’s dream, I’m SURE, to be the only guy out there who wants to actually play the sport he’s getting paid to play in a manner that indicates he might be interested in winning some of these dang things. 

Such a thrill! 

I bet Waino is just sitting in his mansion this morning chuckling to himself and thinking, “Man, those guys are HILARIOUS!  Did you see how Brendan Ryan struck out that one time?  WHAT A RIOT!”  He’s probably hoping these jokesters keep the fun going, as he no DOUBT finds it as amusing as a Will Ferrell movie or one of those web sites that has pictures of dogs in cat costumes. 

There is NO WAY this ever stops beig completely amazing and enjoyable in every conceivable way.  I mean, if I were him, I’d probably write a really heartfelt thank you letter or send a nice basket of cheeses and jams.  “Dear Felipe Lopez, you are a delight and I’m impressed EVERY DAY by your ability to be the kind of third baseman who can provide us all with the enjoyment of seeing our guests/opponenets run dizzying circles around the bases  You’re so not good at that job!  Marry me?”  That’s what he wants to say, I’m just certain. 

I swear, if there were a “hug your co-worker” day, Adam Wainwright would be ALL OVER THAT.  Just hugs all around!  Good job, team!

No, but seriously, guys.  I’m going to fucking shoot myself.