You guys, I’m in a wedding coming up soon. And like anyone that holds that exceptional honor and responsibility, I know that there are things that must be done and errands that must be run.
(I did not mean to rhyme just there. And the fact that I did makes me hate myself.)
So, because of the really fun bachelorette party that I’m attending this weekend (KELLY NO PEEKING!!!), I made the mistake of going out in public tonight.
AREN’T THE CUBS DEAD YET?????
For the love of Yadier Molina, I still do not understand what is so hard about parking in an alley. You just DRIVE IN. There are people there with signs telling you where to go. They are waving their hands around in the air like they are asking to be RESCUED BY MARTIANS, yet there is Mr. McShithead and all of his friends who seem completely bewildered by something so simple that I’m not sure they even teach it in driver’s ed anymore.
I NEED TO GO BUY WOMEN’S UNDERTHINGS!!!!! MOVE ALONG, DUMMIES!!!
I don’t have time for Mr. McShithead and his friends to meander to the ballpark for a seemingly meaningless game. MY TIME IS PRECIOUS!!! Don’t they know that it will take me an hour and a half to pick out the perfectly slutty outfit for my friend? And I that I still have to catch up on episodes of The Colbert Report???
In any event, I made it home without actually MURDERING anyone. Which is no small feat, all things considered. I should probably be able to sleep tonight, assuming I don’t have that reaccuring dream about Jon Hamm driving me towards the Grand Canyon in a Humvee. In his his defense, he always saves me. I don’t know why you have to be so judgmental about it.
WE ARE IN LOVE.
WE ARE IN LOVE.