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Bachelorette Live Blog! (Ep 3)

On Tap: A de-masking? A roast from roastmaster general Jeff Ross? The Monster robs a baby from a cradle and eats it?

7:02 – The Mask deep teases his facial reveal. St. Louis’ long national nightmare is realized… John Goodman! How could you shame our city like that?

7:07 – Ashely takes Ben C. on a one on one date. And it turns into a flash mob of tens of white people dancing to Far East Movement. If producers would have included a Vespa and the Sunday New York Times these 10 minutes would have been rejected by the KKK marketers as too white.

7:17 – The Monster vows to ‘go in for the kill’. Meanwhile Ben C. wonders out loud if he should or should not use an emoticon in his after date text to Ashley. The Monster might really have a shot here people.

7:24 – The Mask has FINALLY be shun. And behind it? GUSTY COMEDY. No seriously, that’s what he said. I’m not making this up. Also, his facial gesticulations and distant eyes are reminiscent of a young Charlie Manson.

7:26 – So they had a roast. Of Ashley. Emceed by Jeff Ross, AKA THIS GUY. And I’m not really good enough of a writer to express the sheer awkwardness of this idea. The next 11 minutes are basically a bunch of guys making fun of her small breasts and the fact she was dumped by a, ahem, a giant boob named Brad Womack.

7:37 – And here come the waterworks. And The Monster to comfort her. The producers of this show are the purist form of evil left on Earth since Bin Ladin got popped. Next season Bachelorette Abbottabad!

7:50 – William, an early favorite, and ‘looking to go for the jugular’ during the roast has put Ashley into a tailspin, while casting his own future on the show in doubt. Men who are still reading this, please note that if you’re asked to participate in something like this for whatever the hell reason you would, run as far away from this idea as possible.

7:59 – Ashley confronts The Monster with the news that she was told about him before the show. The Monster shares the news that MICHELLE MONEY (?!?!) is the source. (Insert Deep Throat joke here). Looks like she knows Bentley’s ex-wife. In other news, child services now has a slam-dunk case for taking Cozy.

8:09The Monster declares he’s DONE.

8:19 – If you don’t watch this show, you’d probably think that people are exaggerating the extent of dickishness this Bentley guy possesses. But I implore anyone to find a worse human in America. He has taken reality show backbiting to new heights. He’s the bizzaro Martin Luther King. After an hour of kissy face and using his daughter as a excuse for his decisions… he’s gone.

8:23 – I’m honestly making an offer of 1,000 per ticket to anyone that can get me into the reunion show.

8:33 – J.P. finally gets his date… right after a vicious roast and a savage, extended dumping. So Ashley busts out the PJ’s, glasses and a hoodie for a night of talking about Bentley and insecurities in front of the fire place. Stan Musial, step aside as we Stand for J.P..

8:41 – Ashley has found a reserve well of tears… but LOOKEY HERE it’s Chris Harrison to save the day. This dude is either the best husband in the world or he’s an Oscar caliber actor stuck in a reality hosting gig. He puts Adderall at ease, man. No cocktails tonight. Straight to the flora.

8:50 – Ashley makes no rash decisions and the field is narrowed by only 2 after The Monster’s previous departure.

Going Home: The Mask (not understanding the concept of eBay, tosses the singular thing his life will be defined by into the fireplace to mark the exit) & Chris D. (Meh.).

Next Week: Thai food. Soggy linen. JEALOUSY!