The Sports Daily > Cards Diaspora
Picture Deconstruction: Steven Tyler

I’ll admit it- we’ve been some real hacks at this site for the past couple of months. So we’re going to roll out some new crap and see what sticks.

Today’s new feature: Picture Deconstruction!

The subject: Steven Tyler of the Rock n’ Roll band Aerosmith

1) Nokia won’t admit it, but every incoming call on this bad boy zapped roughly 200 thousand sperms. Don’t expect any “accidents” from Steven’s old lady, I suppose.

2) In what situation does Steven Tyler need a collapsible bowie knife? I find it hard to believe that hunting was a top priority on tour, besides, it’s hard to sneak up on animals with gold bracelets jangling around. Maybe he saw Family Vacation a few too many times and really did think that the second he got close to East STL, he was getting murdered. I’m genuinely curious about Steven Tyler having a big honking knife clipped to his pocked while throwing out a ceremonial pitch.

3) What a puss on this guy. If I ever have a son and he turns out to be butt ass ugly, I’m getting him in a band ASAP. Steven Tyler has probably been with 10,000 women that would spit on you if you got within 5 feet. Is he better looking than you? No. He’s not, actually. He looks like your mom after 3 Manhattans. But a guy in a band… he’s getting laid.

4) Who knew that Mr. Tyler could have salvaged Mark Mulder’s career. That’s an arm slot!

5) I don’t know how this pitch turned out, but it was either a killer change up or completely emasculating to Steve. Maybe the manly man knife makes sense after all.