Never before has athooks gone to the bullpen when it comes to a good, solid debate. But today, he’s calling in the closer to settle this Jeff Suppan business once and for all.
He randomly picked an IP address out of a hat and poof – the Mad Librarian’s came up. She gave us five reasons why Jeff Suppan should remain in Cali, grilling up some beef, and I countered with five equally thought-out reasons why there should be some resemblance of excitement seeing #37 back in town.
Pitting former BertFlex comrades against each other violates a code of the interwebs somewhere, but for the hell of it – allow me to take the ML to Beatdown City:
Top Five Reasons the Re-Signing of Jeff Suppan Makes Me Want to Punch a Baby
1. Even at the pro-rated minimum, a 35-year-old retread pushed out to pasture in the bullpen is no bargain. And shouldn’t we be investing those nickels for Albert’s big payday? Or, I don’t know, installing a Port-A-Potty at scenic Ballpark Village?*
2. Can we take another season of stories about Dave Duncan: Pitcher Whisperer?
3. The team filled its 2010 jobber quota with Aaron Miles. (And here’s some disturbing news: Miles’ career ERA in relief pitching: 6.00. Suppan’s 2010 ERA in relief: 7.48. And for those of you who still hate Motte, his ERA this year: 2.59. Yeah, that just happened.)
4. Oh, I don’t know: Ottavino, Hawksworth, Walters. If we want to reform pitchers with mediocre numbers, we’ve got all the material we need.
5. Sign Guy gets three more months out of his “Soup’s On” sign. Fuck.
* Which, after three seasons, remains neither scenic nor a village.
Top Five Reasons the Re-Signing of Jeff Suppan Only Merits Elbowing a Baby, and That’s It!
1. Jeff Suppan was once in a political commercial. So was Chuck Norris! They also have badass facial hair, which pretty much makes Suppan the same guy as Chuck Norris.
1a. Jeff Suppan is anti-abortion. Without the likes of him, Tim Tebow would have never been born. Without Tim Tebow, ESPN would be homeless and out on the street right now. God Bless Tim Tebow.
2. Sure, Suppan isn’t as exciting (or good) as Pedro Martinez.
3. Wow, point 2 didn’t really help my case. Nor did this one.
4. 2004 and 2006 might have been a long time ago for you, but Mr. Suppan was CASH. MONEY. those years in the playoffs. Who else has a Game 7 specialist? If anything, Jeff Suppan is an incentive for a playoff foe to lose a series in six games, so they’re not embarrassed and added to the long list of shitty teams that he has mowed down when the stakes are high.
5. Since the Mad Librarian is a racist against St. Louis, she’d probably side with this assclown Brewers fan. Even cheer him on mid-stream. Nobody from the ’06 championship club deserves this, even if they are in little bobblehead form:
I hope that settles it. Glad to see you back Jeff. The Cardinals could use a coach like you.
Feel free to add your thoughts – good or bad – below. We’ll even take suggestions on what Brewers bobbleheads should be pissed on in retaliation.