Seriously? The St. Louis Barfs are still playing baseball? Gee, what with all of this competitive and exciting gameplay of late, it must have slipped my mind. MY BAD. (Swallows razor blade and lies down in traffic.)
Holy hell, I cannot believe these jackasses have managed to bring my levels of vested interest down to a big fat ZERO. What a colossal waste. You know what’s worse than being really, really bad? Being IRRELEVANT. And that’s exactly what these 2010 St. Louis Cardinals are. And I intensely dislike them for it. YOU ARE DEAD TO ME, SKIP SCHUMAKER!
At this point, there are literally hundreds of things I’d rather do than read, watch or hear about this team. Nap. Watch football. Eat a burrito. Talk about the stock market. Get stabbed by a homeless person. ALL OF THOSE THINGS sound more satisfying than engaging my feeble brain in any more of this nonsense.
Why bother? I mean, can’t we all just quit this already and go back to our normal lives where it doesn’t matter if Chris Carpenter gets a cramp or Matt Holliday face plants in left? For all I care, MLB could just pack it in and cancel the rest of the season. We’ve lost that loving feeling, amiright guys? JUST MAKE IT STOP ALREADY!
Further compounding my irritation is the fact that I’m being forced against my own will to go to this game today. I have to go with my boss to the Cardinals game at Wrigley Field and it is making me physically ill. I don’t want to go. Why would I want to go? Who wants to sit and watch this team? Either of them? I’m thinking of stapling myself to my office chair out of protest. Is it too late to call in sick?
I guess this is all a long drawn out way of saying that if you never hear from me again after today, it’s because I’ve murdered Ronnie Woowoo and am in jail.