2. St. Louis Rams
Danica Patrick, LB, Eastern Illinois
The Rams are a forgotten franchise that desperately needs a flashy PR makeover. Random bikini shots and tasteless promos are in order. This has a .3 rating written all over it.
3. Kansas City Chiefs
Aaron Schatz, FB, Brown University
Scott Pioli is looking to upgrade the IQ factor of the Chiefs after dismissing Herm Edwards. His trade for Cassel and Vrabel also shows he wants to bring in as many loyal New Englanders as possible.
4. Seattle Seahawks
Jimmy Foosball, Midfield, London Metropolitan
Jim Mora explained, “My experience coaching Mike Vick has taught me to seek out a very specific type of player. Namely one with no hands, affixed to a bar. And if we get a few more of these guys we can set up a table in the break room!”
5. Cleveland Browns
A Pain the Ass in 2011, DT, Notre Dame
The Browns are hoping to continue their fine drafting tradition of taking a talented player who everyone expects to save the franchise, only to have him turn out to be a major locker room malcontent, or simply a no talent ass clown. First, A Pain in the Ass in 2011 will help head coach Eric Mangini lose his job. Then, three seasons from now, the new Browns coaching regime (headed by future Browns head coach Dante Scarnecchia ) will have to stress over whether they can trade or cut Pain in the Ass without totally crippling the salary cap.
6. Cincinnati Bengals
Casey Palmer, QB, Cal
Owner and resident genius Mike Brown is convinced the team lacks the offensive firepower necessary to compete in the AFC North. The obvious solution? Carson and Jordan’s wacky younger brother, Casey!
7. Oakland Raiders
Marcel Duchamp, RB, Paris Junior college
Nothing Al Davis makes any sense. In taking Duchamp, he elevates draft dadaism to an art form.
9. Green Bay Packers
Jeff Taylor, QB, UMass
These guys may well be looking for new employment soon, and Taylor is just the guy to call on when you need work.
10. San Francisco 49ers
Levi Strauss, QB, Bavaria University
Mike Singletary is determined not be caught with his pants down again. He’s searching for a rugged, tough kind of QB that can take a little hard work and won’t show wear and tear.
11. Buffalo Bills
Dr. Phil McGraw, MLB, Midwestern State University
With the addition of T.O. to the Bills, the front office is obviously worried about the potential for a fractured locker room. Just as adding an aging WR with a bad case of the drops is sure to the help offense, adding a suspended ex-psychologist who doesn’t speak to his father or get along with his ex-business partner and collaborator is sure to help the emotional state of the Bills franchise.
12. Denver Broncos
Mick Shanahan, QB, University of Dublin
Since “The last 3 months of my life back” wasn’t eligible for the draft, the Broncos go with Mike Shanahan’s extremely Irish cousin, Mick. He’ll coach, he’ll play qb, and when all else fails he’ll spike every Denver fan’s beer with Xanax.
13. Washington Redskins
Tracy Jordan, WR, De Witt Clinton HS
Dan Snyder and Tracy Jordan really hit it off in predraft interviews as both love spending money in conspicuous and ridiculous ways. Snyder is convinced that should he decide to hang onto the pick rather than use it to trade for Vince Young, that Jordan is the perfect fit. Snyder was quoted in the Washington Post recently as saying, “Jordan brings the third kind of heat the Redskins really need right now!”
14. New Orleans Saints
Alex Rodriguez, WR, Miami
“A-Rod is that rare combination of speed, power, and statistics,” says Saints Coach Sean Payton. “Pencil in Drew Brees for 6,000 yards passing and an MVP. I can see us pushing for a .500 record.”
15. Houston Texans
David Rice, WR, Pace University
Texans fans have been waiting for this team to make the “leap” for sometime know, so it only makes sense that they would take the guy with incredible inter-dimensional teleportation skills from the hit movie Leaper. UPDATE: Demond just informed me that the movie was called Jumper, it wasn’t a hit, and there are no Texans fans. My mistake.
16. San Diego Chargers Jugs Machine, P, Oregon
Chargers General Manager AJ Smith is seeking an upgrade. He categorized Mike Scifres’s punting performance last season as “just okay. I mean… his kicks didn’t pierce the realm of Zeus and bring forth rain or anything.”
17. New York Jets
Wilford Brimley, C, University of South Florida
The Jets have had so much success with aged players submerging themselves in the rejuvenating waters of NFL football, that it’s little wonder they’ve targeted Brimely in the first round. He has a long and dependable track record and with help from friendly aliens will likely recover much of his former glory.
18. Denver Broncos
Randy Moss, WR, Marshal University
Lil’ Josh McDaniels is slowly learning how difficult it is coaching an NFL team. Moreover, his entire track record of success, which dates back two long years, is dependent on having Randy Moss lined up wide. Of course, Moss already plays for the New England Patriots, but McDaniels, having no feel for etiquette or NFL protocol, is set to draft him anyway.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Lionel Messi, K, Rosario University
For years now, insiders have been frustrated that the Glazer family seems more interested in their football club in Manchester than their NFL club in Tampa. These frustrations will boil over as the Glazers make a bold, but muddled move by selecting Messi. Though the brain trust of the Bucs has argued that Messi has no true position, the Glazers are said to be in love with his creativity and ability to score from anywhere on the pitch. To this date, we are unsure if their interested in the footballer is sincere, or simply the result of not keeping straight the confusing differences between English and American football.
20. Detroit Lions (from Dallas)
George W. Bush, S, Yale
“We’re not picky. All we’re asking for is one little W,” explained new Lions coach Jim Schwartz. On the bright side, most draft experts think this guy will be available.
21. Philadelphia Eagles
The Ghost of Harry Kalas, G, Iowa
Andy Reid, sick of having his selections booed by Eagles fans who show up at the draft, is said to be favoring a selection of the ghost of one of the most beloved figures in Philadelphia history. The impending selection of Kalas is coming under criticism by some Eagles fans who don’t understand drafting a guard who, while spooky, lacks the bulk (and corporeal form) to keep McNabb upright. Rumor is they are planning to attend the draft in order to boo the selection. The Ghost of Kalas may yet prove an excellent pick because as a ghost, he is familiar with, and immune to booing.
22. Minnesota Vikings
A Man Purse, FB, SUNY
This draft pick is all about keeping Adrian Peterson happy. AP specifically requested a strong lead blocker, a safe place to carry the football, and a faux-leather tote. Check, check, and check.
23. New England Patriots
Kenneth Parcell, DE, Kentucky Mountain Bible College
The Patriots like players who take orders without question and won’t cause a fuss. They are said to be favoring Parcell because of his burst off the line and low wonderlic score that will make it more difficult for him to prove the team caused his inevitable head trauma.
24. Atlanta Falcons
Vontae Davis, CB, Illinois
GM Tom Dimitroff explains his team’s draft philosophy. “I drafted Matt Ryan. I’m golden for the next 10 years. I’ll probably just cheat off Mel Kiper’s best player available.”
25. Miami Dolphins
Dwight Schrute, LB, Penn State University
Bill Parcells love discipline and a hard nosed approach from his players. He also favors fanatical loyalty. Schrute has a hard hitting style, and isn’t afraid to use mace when called for. He’s also receiving consideration from Cleveland because his nose is already brown.
Reports indicate that Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome has fallen in love with this relative unknown. “He may only run a 5.1 forty, but the kid’s got a ton of poise. Besides, everyone knows the Blue Hens are a talent factory. The USC of the CAA.”
27. Indianapolis Colts Hiro Nakamura, Safety, Tokyo University
Peyton Manning’s knee surgery last year scared the Colts. The preseason was a horrifying look into their future without #18. Determined to extend the Manning era as long as possible, Bill Polian looks to draft a master of time and space. Nakamura has excellent coverage skills, and will be able to prolong Manning’s prime by squeezing his eyes shut and wishing really hard. Colts fans question the pick, as they’ve been attempting this for years with little effect.
28. Buffalo Bills (from Carolina via Philadelphia)
Wolverine, C, Royal Roads University
“I am specifically interested in the Hugh Jackman version of the character,” Bills head coach Dick Jauron explained. “His charm and raw masculinity will be welcome additions to our locker room. Be sure to check out X-Men Origins: Wolverine in theaters everywhere May 1st.”
29. New York Giants
Dennis Mitchell, WR, Scottsdale Junior College
Tired of negative press after the Plaxico Burress shootings, the Giants are said to be looking for a more wholesome kind of player. GM Jerry Reese said, “What could be more innocent than a tow-headed little boy?” The Giants have yet to fully explore his rap sheet however, and are apparently unaware that he also has a penchant for storing firearms in his pants.
30. Tennessee Titans
Bizarro Vince Young, QB, Oklahoma
Kerry Collins won’t be around forever so BVY is the natural pick. A classic pocket passer and field general. He is respected and even admired by bloggers. His blatant competence is certain to unite the locker room and strike fear in the hearts of divisional rivals.
31. Arizona Cardinals Little Nicky, K, Purdue
It’s time for the Cardinals to settle up with the Prince of Darkness. Their deal last year propelled Arizona to the Super Bowl, but the terms of their agreement have yet to be fulfilled. It turns out that Beelzebub wants his son to play under the bright lights on Sunday, and the Cardinals owe him a favor. Nicky should like life in Phoenix because it is as hot as hell.
32. Pittsburgh Steelers
Charles Tiffany, RB, Syracuse
Mike Tomlin explained his rationale. “We just won it all and we have no glaring needs. But with all these rings we could probably use a good jeweler. Man. We really are a bunch of assholes.”