Guide to the AFC South

Tennessee Titans

Houston Texans

Jacksonville Jaguars

History:  The Oilers left Houston for Nashville after realizing
time it was time to take their shot at that long-dreamed-about
country-western music career.  Realizing that being called the
Oilers in Tennessee would lead to far too many Beverly Hillbilly
jokes, they were inspired after watching a Denzel Washington
marathon on TBS.  Since the NFL vetoed their original choice of
“Devil in a Blue Dress”, they settled on becoming the Titans.

History:   In the years following the Oilers departure Houston
residents were left with few entertainment choices.  Drinking at the
rodeo would have to suffice.  Many people died.  After several
years, the NFL managed to remember that the fourth largest city in
the United States did not have a football team.  Unlike cities like
Cleveland and Baltimore which desperately wanted to hang on to their
past football traditions, Houston did not.  Because the names
“Dallas Cowboys” and “Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders” were already
taken, they chose the uber-generic “Texans”.

History:  It was never Paul Tagliabue’s intention to place a
team in Jacksonville, but one night of indiscretions can lead to a
lifetime of regret.   A group of business men from a swampy hole in
central Florida caught him in a compromising situation involving a
midget, three ferrets, and a mime, and thus, the NFL’s most
inexplicable franchise was born.

Hand gesture:  Most Titans fans love to raise both arms
vertically into the air signaling each and every Peyton Manning
touchdown since they all love him more than their pajama wearing
home team.

Hand gesture:  They stick their index and pinky fingers forward
in a gesture that is wholly different from that of the Texas
Long-Horns.  According to the Texans’ media guide “It’s a totally
original and awesome way to identify oneself with the Texans!” 

Hand Gesture:  Jaguars fans love to hold their hands out
horizontally and make a chomping motion like that of an alligator. 
Because, as the ancient Seminole proverb says:  “There is no such
thing as a Jaguar fan, only Florida Gator fans killing time until
next Saturday.”

Team Highlight:  Locking their leader and former League MVP
quarterback out of the weight room in the off-season because he was
no good to them dead.

Team Highlight:  Finally beating the Colts on Christmas Eve
2006.  It raised their record to 5-10, and allows them to try for a
franchise record SIX wins the following week.

Best Play:  The 3^rd onside kick of any quarter

Best Play:  Pretty much any play where David Carr doesn’t fumble
while being sacked.

Best Play:  Having their fans unite in booing Byron Leftwhich.
Then they collectively email Jaguars.com’s “Ask Vic” Ketchman with
some clever observation about how if only a Gator were running the
team they could win some games.  Vic responds by muttering into his
keyboard about league-wide conspiracies in favor of the Colts.  It’s
really a sweet a play, I swear.

Management Moment:  Two years ago the
Titans drafted Pac-Man Jones despite league-wide worries about his
character.  Fortunately, Pac-Man has managed to escape incarceration
due to his mad ball hawking skills.  Worried that they might have to
cut him, they signed aging corner Nick Harper from the Colts. 
18to88.com has Harper marked down for getting beat for 5 scores this
year trying to cover Reggie and
#88.  We’ll keep a running tab for you.
 The team also drafted Vince Young in the first round this year. 
Predictably, Young got tons of credit for having a QB rating south
of 70 and running around a lot.  We expect big things for Young
because the same offensive model has worked out so well for the
Atlanta Falcons.  According to league sources, the Titans’
management made this choice knowing that guaranteeing more easy
games for the Colts would please their Manning loving fans.

Management Moment:  They drafted a QB #1 and then proceeded to
spend the next 5 years watching him get his brain beat out.  They
had such confidence in him that they decided not to draft home town
hero Vince Young.  Meanwhile, as David Carr continued to slightly
improve each year, they waited until he finally was ready to
breakout to trade for a career backup without a career victory to
his name.  They also decided against taking a star offensive player
in Reggie Bush, because their owner was scared to death of having to
play #18.  Even though almost no defensive end picked first has ever
paid off, Mario Williams became their Peyton Manning induced draft
choice.

Management Moment:  Even though the team was in a downwards spiral
in 2000 after a couple of strong seasons, management decided to
invest more money in a team that had slid to 7-9.  They promptly
re-signed several key players in that juggernaught to expensive long
term contracts, thus guaranteeing a stay in salary cap hell. 
Recently, the team finally found tough minded quarterback to be
their on-field leader, but decided that jerking him around and
benching him for a turnover machine would be the best thing for his
development.

Fun fact:  Steve McNair’s son designed their uniforms because “I
like spacemen”.  Also, their owner’s name is Bud.

Fun Fact:  Houston grew up in rural Texas and dreamed of
becoming a showgirl.  Leg hair and a penchant for masochism led him
instead to the NFL where he currently longs for the security of a
chorus line. 

Fun Fact:  Back in 2004, the Jags were rejected for admission to
the SEC. Despondent, coach Jack Del Rio upgraded from an axe to a
chainsaw after the season finale in Houston.   A Hollywood producer
caught wind of the incident and paid the Jags for the rights to the
story. Thus, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre IV: Mad Jack’s Revenge was
born.  The movie went straight to DVD and the Jags used the profits
from the deal to resign David Gerrard.