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Hurricane Wayne

One of our readers, Josh, sends us this wire he just received:


The rumors circulating Revis Island for the past week are suddenly looking more like a harsh reality. The tropical depression forming off the coast of Revis Island for the last few days, now a Category 87 storm named “Hurricane Wayne,” is rapidly approaching. Set to make landfall shortly after 2:00PM on Sunday, January 24th, Revis Island authorities have been working around the clock to evacuate residents and ensure minimal damage occurs.

“We’ve never seen anything like this before,” said R.I.P.D. commissioner Randy Moss, “and if you ask me, I wouldn’t be surprised if this storm wipes Revis Island right off the map.” City officials have spent the past twenty-four hours boarding windows and doors in preparation. While Mayor Andre Johnson was not available for comment, a city volunteer was still around and answered a few of our questions. “The weatherman been wrong before, brah,” said Steve Smith, “Who knows? Maybe this thing just barely misses us, like a Nate Kaeding field goal.” City councilman Roddy White was less optimistic. “Just looking at the data our meteorologists have gathered, this is a very serious storm,” said White, “All we can really do is prepare for the worst and hope that our preparations exceed the storm’s impact. I think we’ve done a fine job in that regard, but we won’t know ’til Sunday.”

The streets of Revis Island have already turned into a virtual ghost town. We caught two residents on their way out and asked their opinion on the matter. “Child please, I was out of here yesterday,” said a man who insisted on going by the name ‘Ocho Cinco’, “We’d be on the freeway by now cruisin’ at 85 miles an hour getting away from here as fast as we can if my home boy T.O. right here didn’t forget his Katy Perry CD,” said Ocho Cinco, gesturing to the gentleman riding shotgun in his vehicle.

Already experiencing blistering wind and lightning storms, Revis Island officials are feeling the eleventh hour crunch. It appears they have made all the right moves, but only time will tell if——TRANSMISSION LOST

**The Associated Press would like to apologize for the early termination of this article. We lost contact with our crew on Revis Island before receiving the complete article and are doing everything we can to verify their safety. An update will be posted when available. Thank you.