Our starting QB has had offseason surgery clouded in mystery that everyone insisted he would be back from at the start of the season. Except that he didn’t make it back. And now we’re stuck with a backup that is nowhere near as talented and is all but assured to lead us to sadness.
Shockingly, it is not 2011 and we aren’t about to watch Curtis Painter (thank heavens). But it is 2017, and we will have to watch Scott Tolzien (unless you keep your eyes closed, which, well, maybe you should). So to celebrate that together, let’s have a running diary! It will bring all our favorite parts of #SnarkyColtsTwitter into blog form. And there isn’t a single thing I can think of that might be more necessary in the world.
15:47 – First off, we use military time here, because naming two different times the same thing during the same day is inane. The Colts are in LA to play the Rams because apparently the Rams no longer play in St. Louis. LA needs a football team just as much as LA needs more cars.
Are dumpster fires your jam? Then the AFC South is the football division for you. It’s the bomb [dot] com.
16:01 – Oh look, it’s our hero Scott Tolzien. This is a thing that Rob Chud said this past week, “He just has to be Scott Tolzien, and the best Scott Tolzien he can be.” The thing this makes me think of is the old Army slogan. I don’t think it’ll work for Scottie. #BeAllTheTolzienYouCanBe
16:05 Colts won the toss and deferred. What is life? Does Chuck Pagano learn things about coaching?
Wow, there is nobody there. LA aggressively doesn’t care about the NFL. It’s amazing how much push there was from the league to get two (!) teams to it’s media home base despite there being no actual desire from the people of the city to have a team.
16:09 We have a score. The Rams Goff’d their way down the field and kick a field goal into the adoring arms of their throng of fans.
Can we get a list of those? Because I’m not sure I know what they are.
16:15 Tolzien’s first throw is a touchdown! Bad news, it’s for the Rams!
16:19 No one could have possibly seen this coming. There is definitely no one to blame. Not the GM or owner or coach or anybody. Not to mention that there are certain Super Bowl appearing quarterbacks just out there for free.
16:23 So, it has been talked about, but it was super weird that the Colts reshuffled the offensive line right before the start of the season. Consistency is the best thing for o-lines.
16:25 Marlon Mack’s first NFL touch is a screen pass where he scores a TD! Except that the officials don’t call it such and Chuck Pagano doesn’t bother challenging. So that’s not great! And now the Colts get to settle for a FG. Too bad there is no possible way you can try to get a call corrected.
Nate is way too optimistic about Chuck leaving the Colts. He is the man that can not be fired, no matter the transgression.
16:31 There is a joke about the fact that the Colts can’t get close to Goff even as he’s falling over in the pocket, but I can’t think of it.
I can’t think of the last thing the Colts coaches tried outside of their worn down cliches that worked well.
16:37 The problem I have with this running diary is that now that I started this, I’ve committed myself to actually watching this entire game. And I don’t know if I can actually do that.
The revisionist history about Peyton Manning (well, it was history wrongly written as it was occurring) is the most frustrating thing of ever. Peyton, very clearly, is the Greatest Quarterback Of All Time, and some dolts cast doubts on that and then everybody started running with it. It’s the dumbest.
16:41 While I was complaining about people being dumb about Peyton Manning, TY decided to fumble. Not great, Bob!
Zac’s ability to predict the future is uncanny.
16:47 So far, the best skill that the Colts have shown is the ability to make the Rams false start. And I’m not sure that is an actual skill.
16:51 Andrew Luck is alive and there is photographic evidence. Somehing tells me he’s not going to play at all this year.
How is it that the Colts are so incompetent at scouting their own players? It is remarkable in every single way.
16:57 The Colts defense is just as good as the Colts offense. This is bad because the Colts offense is bad.
17:02 The Colts gave up a touchdown and everything is terrible.
I feel like this is the answer to every question about why the Colts do something bad or are something bad.
17:07 Let’s take a break to watch a hilarious piece of propaganda. Imagine if the Colts spend the money they spent on this ad on an analytics department, or invested it in figuring out why their players get injured at an abnormal rate, or luring in a team president in order to actually give the franchise direction.
17:11 The Colts defense has given up their second touchdown of the day and Colts Authority writers are developing a case of the sadness.
17:14 Colts have a long completion to T.Y. If you roll back on your DVR, you can see just how bad Tolzien is. T.Y. has to check up 5 yards early and come back to the deep ball. If Scotttolzien was good, that has a chance to be a TD.
17:19 Sure, go for it on 4th & 7 from the 40, but don’t go for it on 4th & goal. This is a perfect example of Chuck’s poor coaching. When he should be aggressive to gain an advantage, he isn’t. When it doesn’t matter if he’s aggressive or not, he goes balls to the walls.
Unfortunately, this was also true before the game and Chuck Pagano is still the head coach. It just doesn’t matter how good players play.
17:29 The Colts are very bad and this is no fun. They go into half down 24 (twenty four!) points down to the Rams. #ColtsForged
17:51 Does Chuck Pagano think we’re dumb? Is that why he talks up Scottttt? Like, we all have eyes. We all can tell that Scottttt is not good.
17:53 Adam Vinatieri misses. It’s like if Old Faithful stopped spitting water into the sky.
17:57 I quit this game. Much like Chuck Pagano did before it started and much like this team has. Maybe I’ll see you next week. Maybe it will be next year.