Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Who: The Arizona Cardinals vs. the Indianapolis Colts.
What: Week 2 of the 2017 NFL season.
Where: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, September 16. TV: Fox. We get the tag team of Chris Myers and Daryl “Moose” Johnston. I enjoyed watching “Moose” play, but he’s the classic example of the “took too many blows to the head in his playing days” announcer. At least we didn’t get their lowest rated team. If you want to catch other NFL action, you can see what’s on here.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
Hell if I know.
1. It’s a family affair.
As us Colts fans are well aware, the Irsay family is somewhat infamous for stealing the team out of Baltimore in 1984. As far as I’m concerned, that was a glorious night, but there are some fans who hate the Irsay’s and scream Unitas! (last played for them in 1972) and Donovan! (1961) and Berry! (1967) and I’m just like “whatever” even though I know there are fans who stuck with the team (kudos to you).
But get this: there’s an NFL family out there who has one-upped the Irsay’s. The Bidwell’s. That’s right. This family has managed to screw over not one, but two cities, Chicago and St. Louis. Bill Bidwell has been at least a co-owner of the team for 55 years. His team has made the playoffs 8 times in that time. Point here? We could have it much worse, Colts fans.
Advantage: Colts. I guess.
2. Hasselbeck’s House of Burrito Horrors
I know you Colts fans remember the #Chipotlegate in 2015 that knocked former Colt Matt Hasselbeck on his rear end (literally), but did you know the story doesn’t end there? That’s right.
It’s 2017, and the Hasselbeck family runs a food truck in downtown Indy that specializes in some of the finest burritos you’ll ever put in your mouth. They have a solid record of great food, quality customer service, and a spotless health inspection record.
Wandering around downtown Indy on Saturday night, future Hall of Fame receiver Larry Fitzgerald and QB Carson Palmer decide they’re hungry for some Mexican. All’s well that ends well, right? Except…
In the 2nd quarter of a boring, scoreless game, Fitzgerald’s stomach starts to rumble, bumble, stumble. He’s not feeling it. As the game cuts to its 25th commercial, the announcers inform us that Fitzgerald has “cramps and may not return” adding that “it’s a warm day here in Indianapolis.”
Fast forward to the 4th quarter. It’s a 3-3 game and the Colts are forced to punt from their own 40 with 0:56 left. Colts punter RighteousBurrito Sanchez lets fly with a lethal punt that gets downed at the 6 yard line. On the first play of the ensuing series, Carson Palmer, not feeling too well himself, craps the bed. He’s hit right as he throws and the ball floats aimlessly to John Simon, who slams through the Cards tackle attempts like a college kid worshipping the throne the morning after a bender. Touchdown! Colts win!
When word leaks out of the cause of Fitzgerald and Palmer’s stomach discomfort, Hasselbeck repeatedly says “I’ve got nothing left” in response to questions. He is later exonerated by the Indianapolis Department of Health.
3. Colts cheerleader Jessica G
A few things about Jessica: 1) She loves mac n’ cheese 2) She sees great now after LASIK surgery, something the author is familiar with, and 3) She’s *very* patriotic.
Man is she ever….
Whew boy. Enjoy fellas.
Jessica is also a true sweetheart who puts up with my shenanigans. She believes in this team and I’m pretty sure she knows the boys are gonna win Sunday.
Is she right?
If Tolzien plays the whole game: Colts 2, Cardinals 1
If Brisket plays the whole game: Colts 31, Cardinals 28
If they split but Brisket plays more: Colts 17, Cardinals 14
If Pagano joins Palmer & Fitzgerald for a burrito: Colts 56, Cardinals 14