The Sports Daily > Days of Y'Orr
74. Boston Bruins at Washington Capitals. Mr. Bergeron Ignites Washington!

Editor’s Note: This may say “Pez” on this, but it was actually written by Bree Mellen. She’s one of the few people we wanted to give a preview run too. Love or hate the preview, we think she did a good job! You can follow her on Twitter and make sure to let us know what you think. 

You may think I’m full of shit, but this is a crucial game for the Bruins. I know they’re sitting comfortably close to the tippy top of the league and have clinched a playoff spot. I know this. I am aware. What makes this game crucial is that by winning, the Bruins have a chance to take a very valuable two points away from the Capitals who are currently fighting for the last wild card spot.

People, this cannot happen. The Caps cannot make the playoffs. I don’t think my poor little heart could take it.

You see, I have a very strong dislike for Alexander Ovechkin. This abomination of suck does not even deserve a chance at the Stanley Cup, let alone a win today. Do I even need to list the reasons why I think he’s human garbage? I mean, the guy hates North America for one and thinks that the fans in Russia are far superior to those here. You know, the fans that actually give a shit about his play, watch the games and do whatever this nightmare is?

What even is this?

Yeah, those ones. Ovi thinks you’re less of a fan than his fellow Russian comrades. Don’t get him wrong though, you are useful to him in one way. He fucking loves your North American dollar bills.

Also, don’t give me that shit about how he’s scored the most goals of ever and is therefore the best player. Bitch is -31. MINUS. THIRTY. ONE. Goals scored mean sweet fuck all if you shit all over the rest of your job. Just as a reminder:

Yeah. That’s your star player, Caps fans. That’s who you’re pinning hopes and dreams on. That’s the guy you call your captain. Whatever.

Aside from that bucket of yuck, the Caps can boast a roster that now includes such proud names as recently acquired player Dustin Penner who I also have issues with. He’s mostly know for being the guy that once hurt himself eating pancakes. I know this is an old story, but guess what? I have no fucks to give since he’s the one still trying to defend this injury.

(code below for that angry tweet from Penner about his muscle spasms in regards to pancakes)

Hey, Penner? There’s a reason this shit won’t die and the blame lies solely on your syrupy shoulders. You’re the one who publicly stated that the injury happened while eating pancakes. Only an idiot who hurts himself eating breakfast would get mad at people for laughing at his story about getting hurt by eating breakfast. Your website on your twitter profile is listed as www.ihop.com, for fuck’s sake. Either you embrace your pancake injury or you just ignore those who bring it up and let it die.

Milan Lucic has a message for you, Penner. It’s one he’s working hard on learning himself.

The Bruins are going to win this game. Or lose. It doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme of things, but it would be nice to see the Caps miss out on those two points. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to go shower with bleach because looking up pictures of Ovi always makes me feel like a dirty, dirty girl.

Worst Boston Bruin in the Past Decade

Projected Lines

In: Tuukka Rask

Out: Chad Johnson, Andrej Meszaros, Harry Potter, Bandaid McQuaid

Milan Lucic – David Krejci – Jarome Iginla
Brad Marchand – Patrice Bergeron – Reilly Smith
Chris Kelly – Carl Söderberg – Loui Eriksson
Shawn Thornton – Greg Campbell – Dan Paille

Dougie Hamilton – Zdeno Chara
Matt Bartkowski – Johnny Boychuk
Torey Krug – Kevan Miller

Tuukka Rask


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s/t to @theroyalhalf

s/t to The Royal Half