Dear Mr. Shane Doan,
Losses like tonight’s are why your precious besties are being traded away from your team. I realize it makes sense to you to keep the good players and not trade guys away but your team isn’t exactly Stanley Cup contenders and if one of your buddies has more value as trade bait, then your management will work on those deals. This is a business after all, you filthy reprobate.
Last night the Bruins beat the Coyotes. As predicted. As expected. Honestly, it was a given that this was going to be a win for the Bruins. The only real question was how many goals they would end up with. The magic number? 4. The Coyotes managed to get one goal in return but the Bruins pretty much dominated them. Also, the Coyotes are the hockey equivalent of taking a handful of downers and mixing it with a bottle of wine after eating a turkey dinner with all the fixings. I have no idea how you Coyotes fans deal with that amount of dull hockey every single game. Do you not know that hockey can be fun? And fast paced? And exciting?
Let’s liven things up a bit and take a look at some fancy goals shall we?
Colin Miller scored the first goal for the Bruins tonight before THE INCIDENT. I’ve promised myself I will contain my rant/feelings to one section only so if you’re looking for my breakdown and thoughts on that bullshittery and fuckery and nonsense please proceed directly to the negatives section.
Now, I’m not sure who the popular pick is for this 7th Player Award thing that the Bruins hand out but perhaps Mr. Miller could be considered a contender? Thoughts?
Peter Holland somehow managed to get that weird wrap around goal on the power play, giving the Coyotes their only goal of the evening.
The Bruins then went on to score three more unanswered goals, each one more beautiful than the previous.
In what is sure to be a sign of the coming apocalypse, Riley Nash scored a short handed goal.
The Coyotes really messed up on that one, but that’s okay
Really though that goal seems like it would have been easy to stop but what do I know anyway? I’m not an NHL goalie. Then again… maybe Mike Smith isn’t either? He sure as shit didn’t look like one tonight anyway.
Who else scored on Smith tonight? BACKES.
Also, if you needed more reasons to madly love Brad Marchand here’s one:
-So many things. The win. The Brad Marchand. The everything.
-Speaking of the Brad Marchand, let’s revisit our feelings about him and gush a little bit because I’m in that kind of mood. That feed on Backes’ goal was divine. The goal of his own was even better. This goal gives him 28 for the season. Marchand forever.
-Patrice Bergeron is a god among mere men. While he’s didn’t get any of those special Bergeron goals last night, he did manage to pick up two assists.
-Tuukka Rask. As per usual. He made a few shiny saves last night but this one stands out above the rest:
-Okay. Bear with me because it’s time to talk about THE INCIDENT. Summed up in words: Colin Miller hit Alex Burmistrov and Burmistrov ended up being stretchered off and was taken to hospital.
That looks really bad right? Miller ended up getting a 5 minute major for charging and was ejected from the game but let me just say this about that: That was not a dirty hit. Crucify me if you want to but it wasn’t. While it had a very unfortunate and scary ending, the hit itself wasn’t dirty at least as far as the actual rules of the league state. If you look at Burmi’s position and Miller’s position as well as the fact that the principle point of contact was Burmi’s shoulder that much becomes clear. Miller’s elbows are tucked in when he makes contact and he didn’t leave his feet to leap into Burmi’s face so technically that’s a legal hit. There was so much chatter about whether or not Miller targeted his head and I just can’t say that I believe he made that hit with any sort of malicious intent. Which brings me to again not understanding the refs. This reactionary knee jerk response to eject Miller just because Burmi was injured was ridiculous given that it was a clean hit. The resulting injury doesn’t automatically make the hit dirty.
Aside from that while he was taken to hospital Burmi was treated, is okay and has rejoined his team.
Stole that from his instagram because I follow him because I have a soft spot in my heart for Burmistrov that I do not feel like explaining at this point in our lives.
Oh. And also this:
Colin Miller says he reached out to Burmistrov through a text. Burmistrov said it was a hockey play
— Ty Anderson (@_TyAnderson) March 1, 2017
-One more thing on the above topic before I move away from it: Booing while a guy is laying on the ice waiting for a stretcher is such a shitheel move. I get that you were booing the refs but with Burmi laying passed out on the ice it looked like you were booing him from my television audience perspective. Plus, at that point nobody knew what was happening with him and believe it or not, not everything is about you. Please save your protests until after we figure out if the guy down is alive or not to avoid looking like the biggest bunch of fuckers that every fuckered.
-I think I’m done with negatives. I feel like that was the glaringly obvious one. I could nitpick and chat about Chara and the many turnovers but I’m just done I think.
-Where is the regular lingering questions banner?
-Does Miller get suspended?
-How much salt is too much salt?
-Will the Bruins make a trade today?
-Did you hear the Canadiens picked up squeaky clean gentleman and all around nice guy Steve Ott?
-Who’s your Seventh Player pick? Do you even really care about that crap?