Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It’s been too long friends. I haven’t had a good rant in awhile so please bear with me while I gather my jumbled thoughts. It’s a good thing I’m writing this today because I am extra fucking surly! Apparently the Dunkin Donuts by my house (I almost wrote crib, but then I realized I’m not a pretentious douchebag) wasn’t accepting credit cards (or debit cards, gift cards, etc) today. Here’s a pro tip to any business if your card machine is not working: fucking say something before making people wait 10-15 minutes in line. The way this stupid Dunks is setup, there could’ve easily been a sign on the the front window so I could’ve went somewhere else. BUT NO, I sat in that stupid line and the hag over the loud speaker said “Sorry, we’re not accepting cards today.” I had the urge to drive my car through the drive-thru window, but I didn’t. Instead I went to work. Now, I could’ve went to Starbucks but I don’t feel like cashing in my 401(k) for a venti iced coffee and I could have went to another Dunks, but I fear the rage that would’ve spewed from my noise hole if it were the same situation as the prior Dunks experience. So fuck it, I’m here at work, pop a K-Cup into work’s Keurig and drank the shittiest coffee I’ve ever drank it my life.
Like I tweeted earlier, it’s what I believe a liquified abortion would taste like.
So yeah, what a way to start this post huh?
The Bruins are lucky, man. You never wish injury upon a player, let alone your best player, so for Chara to go down this may be the best time in the schedule. First up was the LA Kings who couldn’t shoot the puck into the Atlantic Ocean. Secondly, the Bruins traveled to Ottawa to take on the bottom on the Northeast Division who also missed their leading scorer. It could’ve been worse, a lot worse. The Bruins could’ve had to face anyone other than the two sad sacks of their respective divisions. Still, the Bruins defense didn’t play up to snuff. They allowed 90 shots in two games. 90! Tuukka Rask stopped all 41 against the Kings and Thomas stopped 47 of 49 against the Senators.
Luckily, most of those shots were from the perimeter but there’s still a chance they go in. That’s the issue here. The defense is soft without Chara. Steve Kampfer couldn’t stop a nosebleed, let alone block a shot. The kid is garbage. In fact, I should feel bad for disrespecting garbage like that. Steve Kampfer’s play is like leaving a crayon on a leather sofa in the sun. He’s softer than a sneaker full of baby shit. And so on, and so forth. The issue is that the Bruins don’t have a defenseman in Providence ready to come up. The next in line? Bartowski (from Pittsburgh) and we all saw what happened when he got his shot. He basically shit his pants and made wet shit trails up and down the ice.
Luckily Bish tweeted this gem out:
Bruins, including Zdeno Chara, are on the ice for practice…^BISH
— Boston Bruins (@NHLBruins) December 16, 2011
Oh yeah baby! Wait. What the fuck is that? That looks like shit. So apparently Twitter has this new embed tweet feature that’s supposed to be the bee’s knees but it looks like that bee was bent over another bee’s knee and spanked with a spiked paddle. Step yo game up Twitter, you fucking mook. Also, give Justin the new timeline already. DON’T YOU KNOW WHO HE IS? (Lucic’d).
After the jump, where’s Nathan Horton?...
Speaking of Lucic, where the fuck has he been lately? The first line has been virtually invisible the past few games. I’m not sure if they’ve changed their calendars over yet but Halloween is over so they can stop acting like ghosts and score some fucking goals. The worst part about it is that Nathan Horton has been like this all season. $5M my dingleberries! He doesn’t deserve $5 at this point. 30 games, 8 goals. What? There’s no way that this should be acceptable because Horton looks like a Goomba and his wife is a smokeshow. No. Fucking. Way.
(I’m not sure if it’s actually been 5 games, but you get the point)
And don’t give me that shit that “oh, Horty is still suffering from his concussion.” because if he is he shouldn’t be playing. I mean, concussions are the hot button issue in the NHL because one player seemingly gets on a night, so if Horton is suffering from some symptoms, he should speak up. Last thing we need is Horton, Pronger, Crosby and Savard playing Mario Kart together with the lights off. On the topic of Mario Kart, here’s who each player would take:
- Savard – Baby Mario
- Horton – Dry Bones
- Crosby – Princess Peach
- Pronger – Bowser (maybe Donkey Kong if he’s feeling froggy)
It’s a good thing that the Bruins third line brought their big boy sticks and are actually playing hockey. Chris Kelly and Rich Peverley are on fire, NBA Jam style, and shit stomping their way through opposing defenders. Peverley has scored in back-to-back games while Chris Kelly is doing it all. He’s taking the defensive zone, neutral zone, offensive zone, penalty kills and the opposing mascot and making all them his bitch. Here’s the issue: What happens when the third line eventually cools down?
The first line can’t hold it’s own weight and Tyler Seguin is hitting supernova status and soon to burn out (if he hasn’t already). Those fuckers on the first line better get their shit together or Claude will need to make some heads roll. It’s good the Bruins are on a 3 game winning streak and it’s good to see that Chara is back out on the ice, but it’s time for the first line to put up or shut up.
– Random Thoughts – – What’s the deal with all these concussions? Why is it that, suddenly, there’s a HUGE outcry about concussions? I mean, I get it. I’ve received concussions from playing sports before and it’s nothing to fuck around with, but why has the number of concussions increased? I feel like there’s a huge number of people coming out with concussions and it feels like it’s basically one player per game. I hope no one ever has to go through what Savard has gone through, but fuck off Pronger, you dick bag. You’re a terrible person both on and off the ice.
– DAYS OF Y’ORR FANTASY HOCKEY UPDATE!
- Days Of Y’Orr #1: Tyutin In The Staal. 1st in Triple Crown Timmy Division. 2nd Overall. Record: 57-26-7. Opponent: Hoot’s Horde. Current matchup: 5-4 Me.
- Days of Y’Orr #2: Rum Hamhuis. 1st in Whalers Memorial Division. 2nd Overall. Record: 54-24-12. Opponent: The Reptars. Current matchup: 8-0 Me.
- Higher than Pizz, Jon and Justin in both leagues.
Merry Christmas you filthy animals.