Last night I was sitting on a terribly uncomfortable, flame retardant couch with a bunch of adjudicated youth who couldn’t give two fucks about hockey outside of the fights. Do you know what it’s like to watch a hockey game with six baby criminals asking “Yo Greg, when dey gonna beef?!”? It’s a fucking miserable experience that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. Seriously. Try to explain to kids what icing is and it’s like you’re trying to teach them quantum physics.
“So Greg, you mean when the puck goes down there, they can stop?”
You may as well just play the clip from Slap Shot. Side note: Slap Shot was on one of those movies channels, like IFC or Indeplex or something, and I had the kids watch it. This was like a month or so ago and NONE of them found it funny. Not the opening news clip. Not the Hanahan part. None of it. And people wonder why kids are fucked up these days.
Oh so back to last night. I think it was 4-1 when I decided that I’ve had enough torture. I was sick of seeing the Bruins taking it up the tail pipe like it was their first week in a maximum security prison.
Tim Thomas looked about as average as a 38 year old goalie could look. It’s not just against Florida though. Tim Thomas has looked average since January. Now, I’m not going to go into the White House shit because I think it’s irrelevant. Whether Tim Thomas went to the White House or not would not dictate how he would be playing. Shaking Obama’s hand isn’t the fountain of youth. It wouldn’t have inspired Tim Thomas to play better and Obama’s magical powers wouldn’t have been able to turn Timmy in Sam Beckett and hope the last leap is the leap that turns him into playoff Timmy.
Instead I think we’re witness a goalie who is getting older and his talents are becoming slower. When you have a goaltender whose style is reactionary, it takes a toll on their body. It also doesn’t help that the Bruins backup plan (no pun intended) (fuck it, pun intended) is out until the playoffs and their farm system sucks so much that they had to sign a guy who was playing half a world away. That’s not entirely 100% accurate. Boston is really high on Anton Khudobin, but he’s out for about another 2 weeks with a wrist injury. Everyone else in Providence sucks.
But the fisting that Tim Thomas is currently taking is awful. If the setting was a cheap bar and a pinball machine, you’d think we were watching The Accused with Tim Thomas as Jodi Foster. Last night was Tim Thomas’ 11th straight game where he saw action. 11! That’s A LOT of work for a goalie, let alone a 38 year old goalie. Thomas’ career high for games played with the Bruins is 57. He currently stands at 51 (47 of them started) and with 12 gmaes left will likely play in 8 or 9 more. So Thomas, a tired looking goaltender, could play in 60 games this year. Yikes. And it’s not just Thomas, but that’s an obvious glaring problem. The whole team, maybe save for Jordan Caron and Patrice Bergeron, don’t look like they give a fuck anymore.
Sometimes they’ll play, most of the times they won’t. Sometimes they’ll go in the corners and dig out pucks, most of the times they don’t. Sometimes they’ll play good positional defense, most of the time they’re looking up at the lights so when they close their eyes they get those funky spots. You can find issues and faults with every player in every game since this slump occurred.
Yeah, they’re probably tired. Let’s start with the 2010-2011 season. The Bruins played (regular season + playoffs only, fuck this preseason bullshit) in October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May, June – won the Cup. Then they partied like it was 1999 and probably stopped somewhere are August. Then they started again October to present. That’s 15 months of hockey in 18 months. I get that the team is tired, but who’s fault is that? At this point, isn’t every team tired? I don’t see the Canucks – a team that played until June just like the Bruins – going into a slump and possibly falling out of second in the West. Instead, Vancouver has 92 points and looks to be secure in the second seed.
Which brings us to a potential playoff fallout. Yeah, the Bruins could potentially fall out of the playoff race, let alone second in the East. Right now Boston sits one point ahead of Ottawa in the Northeast Division and Ottawa has a date with Montreal tonight. Anything other than a regulation loss puts Ottawa in second and Boston tumbles all the way to 7th.
But that doesn’t mean they’re safe. Currently Washington is 5 points behind the Bruins in 8th and Buffalo is 7 behind in 9th. BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! The Bruins still have games left against Washington AND Buffalo, as well as the Rangers, Penguins and a 3 game California roader. At least with 10:30pm start times it means I don’t have to watch the Bruins get taken advantage of like the girl who gets pumped by a tree in Evil Dead. That scene is still fucking bizarre.
What a fucking mess.
You know why they’re losing? ITS THOSE GREEN FUCKING JERSEYS. Tuukka Rask has been out in the community wearing those baby-shit green pieces of filth all week. That and all the shitheads that purchased the O’Lucic t-shirts. If I see someone with an O’Lucic t-shirt on, I’m going to fucking lose my mind. Why would you buy that? WHY WOULD YOU WASTE YOUR MONEY ON A SHITY YOU’RE GOING TO WEAR ONCE?! Do you know how fucking stupid it looks? O’Lucic. You may has well go o’hang yourself after putting it on and looking like such a douchebag in the mirror.
Instead of wasting your money on that piece of shit, buy a bWo t-shirt. First thing is first, it’s the actual TEAM COLORS. It’s not a “I ate too much brocolli and now my shit is green” green. It is black and gold. WHOA! Look at that! Second thing is that the stupid shirts are $25+ after tax and that’s not including shipping. $25! Save yourself $10 because the bWo t-shirts are just $15.
I hope you buy that shirt, drink a shit load of Guinness and then puke all over yourself you stupid son of a bitch.
May St. Patrice smile upon us.