Grinding Gears: “Old School” not cool for NHL All-Star Game

The more I hear about the NHL All-Star Game, the more I believe that the NHL is out of touch with their fan base. On Monday, news broke out that Clay Aiken will be singing the National Anthem in Carolina at the game. Seriously?

To piggy back off of this news, the NHL announced that 3 Doors Down will be playing during the first intermission and the NHL Guardian project will happen during the second intermission.

What the fuck?

The NHL believes that Clay Aiken, 3 Doors Down and some Stan Lee throwaways will carry a game that no one cares about to begin with? Sorry NHL, but I’ve had enough. Lets start out with Clay Aiken. His sexual preference aside, Clay Aiken may be the worst fucking choice for a singer in the history of choosing singers. Was BBMak not avail? Did 98 Degrees not call you back, NHL? How relevant has Clay Aiken been on the music scene? Oh, he won American Idol 2 back in 2003, when I was 20 fucking years old. Where is the relevancy seven years later? I want someone out there to name three songs he has produced in his entire music career, let alone in the past twelve months. YOU CAN’T!

Now I know you’re probably reading this saying “Well Greg, it is only the National Anthem” but it’s about putting asses in the seats and eyes on the television. The NBA is getting Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem at the NBA Finals and although there is no word yet on the NBA All-Star Game singer, I bet it will be relevant. Aguilera puts asses in the seats and eyes on the TV, Clay Aiken doesn’t.

More Grinding Gears after the jump…

To make matters worse, the NHL will parade 3 Doors Down out during the first intermission to play “Kryptonite” (probably) a song that was a hit in 2001. Give me another hit of theirs? I couldn’t name one. Sure, if Kryptonite comes up in Rock Band, I’ll play it. It’s a good tune and I like it, but 3 Doors Down doesn’t really scream hockey to me. I don’t know the kind of reception they’ll get, but knowing Carolina, it’ll be a good one.

This also speaks to how leagues are becoming more pussified when it comes to their musical acts. Ever since Janet Jackson bared her breast (ZOMG NO!) during the Super Bowl, musical acts at big name games have been terrible sans Prince at the Super Bowl XLI. Paul McCartney? The Who? 3 Doors Down? COME ON. The Black Eyed Peas are playing in the 2011 Super Bowl and I just threw up all over myself. None of these bands exemplify the sport they are performing at. Where’s the Metallicas of the world? Why haven’t they played any big sporting event? I’m sure if you through enough money at them they would bang out Battery, Master of Puppets, …And Justice For All and some shitty song from the Black Album and call it a night. Nothing wrong there. Instead I’m going to have to watch 3 Doors Down perform a song I was singing in high school and watch buttah-face Fergie dance around in her skanky, piss soaked shorts on stage.

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The Guardian Project — W.T.F?
Then we come to the NHL Guardians. Oh Sweet Jesus, the NHL Guardians. So apparently the NHL went to Stan Lee and threw bags of money (with the dollar signs on the front) and said “We need you, please make super heroes for our NHL teams.” So Stan Lee, who could be losing his fucking mind by now, reached in to the trash and pulled out all the rejected super heroes and named them after NHL teams. This is the latest market strategy by the NHL to get noticed. You want to get noticed NHL? Get the fuck off of Versus.

Back to the Guardians, these things look bad and the descriptions are even worse. Case in point, the Blue Jacket. Here’s the description “Serious Minded Union Soldier. Has a devastating array of weapons.” What? Who wrote this? What elementary school in Columbus won the right to have a seven year old describe this thing? Serious minded Union Soldier? What the fuck does that even mean? Are there Hilarious Minded Union Soldiers? Look at these things! One looks like a Mortal Kombat reject, one looks like Cyclops lost his usual wardrobe, one looks like the offspring of Cobra Commander and Iron Man and one looks like Wolverine and Sabretooth had a kid. Go to the website, it’s a shitstorm of awful Marvel mix-ups. Oh and one is a fucking tree.

So these Guardians are guarding something and we’ll find out during the second intermission of the NHL All-Star Game. Holy shit, I bet it’s a fucking abomination. God, I hate the NHL sometimes.

I also want to mention that we should have known the NHL was throwing a back-in-the-day-buffet in our faces when they chose “Meant to Live” by Switchfoot to play in their commercial. When did this song debut? 2003.

– Random Thoughts –

– Poor Marc Savard. There’s a lot of speculation amongst fans if he is going to play or not, but as I said on twitter, I wouldn’t expect him to play this year. Another concussion (makes four in his career) for a 30+ year old, his second in less than a year. Unlike Bergeron, he’s older which should give him a disadvantage. I hope he doesn’t pull a Lindros and make “the concussion” his legacy in the NHL.

– Horton Watch 2011 continues. By the time you read this we’ll be at Day 23. Good thing too because poor Brian Fantana would be out of work and we can’t have that on our hands.

– Tim Thomas is still better than you. His last game he let up 2 goals against the Kings and still leads the league in GAA (1.84), still leads the league in save percentage (.945) and still leads the league in shutouts (7). Guy sucks though, put Tuukka in…right?

– Brad Marchand must be the most popular player in the Lollipop Guild. Dude is on fire right now. Against Colorado he had 4 points (2G, 2A) and he leads the NHL in shorthanded goals (4). Did anyone think he would be anything than a fourth line pest coming in to this year?

Well, that’s about it for me. Enjoy the NHL All-Star game with your best friend as you pine over the Backstreet Boys newest hit, practice the dance from that new N*Sync song “Bye, Bye, Bye” and figure out why your Nokia cell phone has that weird antenna sticking out of the top of it.

 
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