Nathan Horton is in a slump. That is quite obvious. Why do you think we started Horton Watch 2011?
After starting the season on a tear he has cooled considerably. Most nights lately we completely forget he’s on the team until we either say “Wow Horton just missed way wide” or until Jack Edwards says his name. He’s been practically invisible.
So where is that Horton we saw earlier this season? He hesitates on shots. Passes when he should shoot. Misses wide. He looks lost. Did he lose his game? Did he lose his confidence? Is there anyone that can help him find it?
In times like these, there’s one man we can turn to. He’s got more game than Milton Bradley. He’s got so much swagger and confidence he makes Hugh Hefner look like that nerdy kid in your high school science class.
To help Horton find his confidence and game, we turned to one man who is so complicated that no one understands him but his women….
After the jump, Patrice Purrgeron takes Nathan Horton under his wing to try to restore his confidence…….
I first became concerned when I started making a “Nathan Horton Highlights” video and it ended up being a bunch of clips of him ALMOST hitting the net. So I called him up and told him to meet me at my estate. Much like his opponents lately, I didn’t even notice him when he arrived.
He was nervous and timid, much like he was on the ice. Obviously this was a man with shattered confidence. Perhaps Boston and the bright lights of that silly Citgo sign were too much for him.
Playing hockey is a lot like getting with a lady. You have to have confidence, sweet moves and good stick control. So I figured I could try to help Nate’s confidence by getting him to hit on some ladies. We hit the streets and decided to start small.
We went to a bar and I saw a lonely looking lady and did all the work talking her up while Horton walked around and watched. Eventually I saw him standing closer to the lady between two circular tables and I perfectly passed the lady over to Horton. He wound up and delivered his “best” pick up line but whiffed big time and the lady just walked right by him and headed up to the other end of the bar. Another miss for Nathan.
I guess we needed to start smaller. Girls love athletes so I figured we’d hit up a local football game and have Horton hit on some of the ladies in the crowd. I told him to dress the part and meet me there. I guess he was so used to just cheering on his teammates and not scoring goals that he forgot how to put on his jersey. He showed up in a cheerleader’s uniform.
Much like the Boston coaching staff ignores his struggles and keeps him on the top line, I ignored him and tried to let him work it out on his own. He was talking up this girl name Goalie and was standing near her slot for like 10 minutes but couldn’t finish the deal. She got board and left to hang out with one of the more popular stars.
We returned to my mansion and I decided to have him try some online dating. I figure maybe if he got a bunch of emails from girls telling him how awesome he was he’d feel more confident.
We went to EHarmony and started filling out his profile:
– I’m a former 30 goal scorer still living off that accolade.
– I fought Evander. Not Holyfield. Evander Kane.
– Also fought a dude named Dion.
– I often grip my stick too tight and fire off before my partner completes the play.
– Despite having the stamina to play upwards of 15 minutes per game, people often don’t even notice I’m playing.
– Me and my buddy Greg once went on a road trip from Florida to Boston to help out a team of bears and despite Greg getting at least a third less ice time than me, he often produces more.
– I still have one more testicle than the last Boston winger who was expected to score here.
With a profile like that, the results were predictable.
I returned to my study to ponder my next move. Clearly this wasn’t working. The man’s confidence was shot. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t do anything right. I had to do something!
I came up with a gameplan and went to find Horton. I checked his room, and he was gone. I looked out the window to find him being all emo and staring out at the ocean, his hockey bags packed. He wanted to quit and go back to Florida where people didn’t care. Not on my watch buddy.
I went down there and dragged his emo ass back inside. I slapped him and sat him down and told him to stop being such a wuss and get his shit together!
First, I convinced the people behind the Batman movies to let Nathan audition for the role of the Riddler. I argued that with him you really never know what you are going to get and showed them tapes from each of his games this season. He’s the biggest riddle on the Bruins. They immediately agreed with me and cast him on the spot. Nathan was thrilled.
Next, I took him to a Lindsay Lohan party and introduced the two. It is impossible to NOT score with her. Nathan didn’t need to know that. Shee didn’t even ask his name. I told her he was an athlete and she jumped him. Horton’s eyes lit up. I could literally see the confidence building!
Next I convinced Peter Chiarelli and the Bruins to hold a “Nathan Horton is Awesome” press conference so he knows he is still loved. We told a bunch of teenage girls it was a Justin Bieber concert and he’d be coming on after the press conference. The cheering was so loud and Nathan was super pumped.
After the press conference, I decided to show him some clips. I showed him a Shawn Thornton highlight reel so he could get some tips. He was thoroughly entertained and seemed to learn a lot from watching one of the best in the business.
After that, I thought he was ready for some game action. I secretly called Dan Ellis and made an arrangement with him. The next day I took Nathan to the TD Garden to do some shooting drills against Dan. Horton killed him.
As for our arrangement?
Finally, I had him arm wrestle against a child. Except I told Horton he wasn’t a child. I told him the kid had a disease that made him look young and that the kid was a former arm wrestling champ. Horton struggled a bit, but defeated the small child.
Horton looked like a new man. He seemed more confident than he had in months. Now we can only hope that this translates to some results on the ice.
Thanks Brian and Patrice Purrgeron!