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Stanley Cup Finals: Game 1. Boston Bruins at Chicago Blackhawks. WE WANT THE CUP!

Wow, I can't believe this is actually happening. The Boston Bruins are back in the Stanley Cup Finals. I didn't think they'd make it here after barely esacping the first round and then having to play Pittsburgh. Instead, the Bruins absolutely dominated Pittsburgh, swept them the fuck out of the playoffs and sent those damn Yinzers crying into their Iron City – or potentially homeless piss – beer. 

So here we are. Boston vs Chicago. East vs kind of West but not West enough to actually be West. To be honest, I have nothing against the Blackhawks except for Patrick Kane, but I'll get to him later. I think the Blackhawks are a good fucking hockey team, but I also think they're beatable. 


I mean, lets look at their playoff competition so far: 

Minnesota Wild
Detroit Retirement Homes
Mike Richardless LA Kings

Nothing there really scream world beaters. Minnesota couldn't score a goal if you put them in their opponent's crease with the puck and a stick. Detroit never should have been close to Chicago and the Kings were missing one of their offensive stars while the other was getting chiclets sewn into his mouth, which I'm sure also gave him some minty fresh breath. 

I don't mean to say that it was an easy road for the Chicago Blackhawks, but it was an easy road for the Chicago Blackhawks, outside of the second round. 

But that's fine because none of it matters now. The only thing that truly matters is that the Bruins and Blackhawks drop the puck tonight in Chicago. I would continue to rip on the Blckhawks organization, like how they had to wait until their owner was dead to actually watch their team on TV, but I'm not sure the majority of people in Chicago can read – and that's including the 100% of those on the South Side. 


I think the Stanley Cup is awarded to the team that can dominate the neutral zone. Chicago relies on solid, flowing transition to get them into the offensive zone and they are very good at it. They have mutliple defensemen who can handle the puck and pinch to provide offensive support when needed.

Boston wants to clog the neutral zone, much like they did against Pittsburgh. If Boston can run the 2-3 neutral zone trap that shut down the "greatest player in the world" and his Russian counter part (who I thought played much better than Crosby, by the way) then they increase their chances of winning.

I can't honestly tell you which happens because I have no idea. I mean, you're talking to a guy who picked Toronto in 6 and Pittsburgh in 6, so clearly I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.


After the jump, Patrick Kane is a douchebag…

 Patrick Kane Is A Douchebag

Kane super douche

Last year during the first round, I ran a segment called "Daily Reminder That Alexander Ovechkin Is A Douchebag" and this year I'm going to be doing it game by game with Patrick Kane. 

Let me start off by saying that I fucking hate Patrick Kane. If I ever meet him in real life, I'm going to capture him and enter in a midget punting contest. I think he's the scum of the Earth – your typical athlete that can barely read or write and gets by because he can play hockey. 

He also seems super bro-y and probably has advanced case of AIDs from all the whores he's slept with. 

May 7, 2012: Deadspin runs this on Patrick Kane who is drinking his fucking face off at a bar.


Is there anything more douchey than this picture? Probably. But seriously, Patrick Kane is a NHL superstar and he's wearing a shirt that says two fives equals a ten? Bro, you can pull tens. Instead you probably fucked that girl on the left with the disgustingly bulbous nose and the other girl who is rocking a 5 head. 

I'm a hideous monster and I've pulled better tail in my non-married days. 

I bet his mother wishes she had that abortion now, doesn't she? What a disgrace. 


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Bruins are 6-0 since we started posting DICKGUIRE so it's not ending anytime soon.

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