There’s a fresh sheet of ice at the TD Garden. Marchand has been spotted at less parties. Patrice Bergeron stopped nailing ten ladies a day and cut it down to five. Nathan Horton is smiling. The new season is almost upon us!
We’ve had rookie camps and now training camp. We’re all eager to see our dear, dear Bruins raise that banner against the Flyers and start their season long title defense.
But there is one nagging subject you just can’t escape these days. One nagging phrase that keeps popping up, spewed forth by almost every media member and bandwagon fan who just heard the phrase for the first time.
We are talking of course about the “Stanley Cup Hangover” topic. Quite frankly we’re sick of it. Let the team play first. Look how they got their business done in the playoffs. One Cup wasn’t enough. We are convinced this is a team that will be hungry again.
But as you know, we do things a bit differently here at Days of Y’Orr so we thought we’d indulge this talk of a Stanley Cup hangover the only way we know how.
Now, we present you with our latest project.
After the jump…… Stanley Cup Hangover certainly affects the Bruins……..
Bruins Stanley Cup Hangover starring……
Shawn Thornton!
Tim “I WON ALL THE TROPHIES!” Thomas
Patrice Purrgeron as Mr. Meow!
Brad Marchand!
The Stanley Cup!
Andrew Ference!
The Bear!
P.K. Subban!
They’re in for one hell of a ride!
It all began one night in Vancouver……
After absolutely embarassing some fools up in Vancouver, some of the Bruins stole Jeremy Jacobs’ car and decided to take the Cup down to Vegas and keep the party going!
They checked into their hotel and headed to the roof. They ran into a couple of sisters making out in the elevator.
They kicked them out and rode the elevator to the roof. They could see the fires in Vancouver all the way from Vegas. They toasted to their victory and laughed.
What ensued was one of the greatest parties of all time. It was a night they couldn’t remember, but also would never forget.
Andrew Ference awoke first the next morning. As he slowly came to, he noticed a group of Burrows walking around the hotel room. He had no idea how they got there.
Thomas stumbled over Ference as he headed for the bathroom. He has too much awesomeness stored up in his body and really needed to relieve himself. As Thomas was pissing execellence he noticed a bear was in the bathroom with him. A bear!
The bear seemed disinterested and just went back to sleep.
He hurried out of the bathroom and excitedly explained to Thornton and Ference what was going on. They were discussing what to do when they hear the cries of a baby coming from the closet. They slowly approached the closet door and swung it open…
It was a drunk baby!
They had no idea where it came from. It was then that they also realized the Stanley Cup was nowhere to be found! They checked all the rooms. The Cup’s case was gone but the Cup wasn’t there. They couldn’t remember anything about the night before!
Thornton suggested everyone head down to the winner’s breakfast, a breakfast Vancouver residents were excluded from, while they tried to piece together what happened the night before. Thomas told them they couldn’t leave a drunken baby in the room with a crazy ass bear so they took him too.
The baby kept training to take his shirt off during breakfast. It was hilarious. They tried to piece together where they last left the Cup but everything was fuzzy. Thornton had an emergency room braclet out.
Ference and Thomas were convinced it was a fake because Thornton doesn’t go to the hospital but it was the only lead they had.
They decided to go pick up their car from the valet and head to the hospital looking for clues. When the vallet showed up it wasn’t thier car but a zamboni!!!
They decided to just go with it because driving a zamboni is awesome. “I guess we really took EVERYTHING from them,” Thomas laughed.
When they got to the hospital they found the doctor that helped Thornton… it was Dr. Recchi!
Dr. Recchi said that Thornton had been treated for jamming his fist down a Canadiens throat and calling him a backwards puppet. They kept for for obversation to make sure he didn’t catch the dreaded Montreal diving disease and then released him.
Luckily Thornton was fine and he was released, but Dr. Recchi remembered that there was a “large silver dude” with them the night before at the hospital and that one of them was bragging about marrying it. He gave them an address and they parted ways. “Sorry guys, but Max Pacioretty is coming in for a follow up. Good luck,” Dr. Recchi said.
They proceeded to the address Dr. Recchi had given them and surprised to discover Blake Wheeler.
It was a little wedding chapel. “Hey guys!!! Thanks for coming back,” Blake yelled. Apparently he decided to get into the impluse, Vegas marriage business. “It is like going offsides for marriage,” Wheeler said.
Wheeler said he wasn’t sure if he’s seen the Cup. “And since I play in Winnipeg I may never see it. Sorry guys, I just don’t know what it looks like,” Wheeler said.
Just then the Montreal police burst in looking for Zdeno Chara! They drew their guns and forced Thornton, Ference and Thomas into the cop car, convinced they tell the cops where Chara is. They were dragged down to the station. They knew they had to be back at practice the next day with the Cup so they called Claude Julien and told him they were getting it shined but would be at practice in time!
They were then called to the interrogation room by a couple of familiar foes.
The Canucks, with the assistance of the Montreal police, had located the Bruins and were pissed! “You took everything from us. You embarassed us on home ice and you NEVER ONCE PUMPED MY TIRES,” Luongo bellowed. Thornton, Thomas and Ference simply laughed in his face.
Luongo then made a challenge to them. “If one of you can withstand this taser we brought from the Vancouver riots, we’ll let you go. I got tased earlier and trust me, it hurts!”
Tim Thomas stepped forward and said he’d do it. “What this Bobby. You’re about to get schooled again!”
Luongo looked stunned. “Fine Tim, but I’m going to have another old friend do it,”. Suddenly some angry overrated dude who got really lucky stepped forward with the taser, a mean look on his face. Thomas just laughed again.
It was Dwayne Roloson!
“This is going to feel really, really good,” Roloson muttered, his eyes burning a hole through Thomas.
“Not as good as kicking your ass and winning a Cup,” Thomas said.
Roloson fired and his Thomas right in the face. To the horror of Roloson and Luongo, Thomas just shrugged it off and laughed, much like he did with every puck that came near him in the playoffs.
They left as a stunned Luongo again couldn’t step up to Thomas’ challenge. They took his car and continued their search for the Cup but they just couldn’t remember anything! Julien called saying he heard rumors the Cup was missing. They denied anything and pretended they lost reception. They felt defeated. It was a completely new feeling for the Bruins!
They decided to head back to the hotel and look for more clues. They returned to their room and heard music. They walked in the room and were stunned at what they discovered.
P.K. Subban somehow dove into the room with a couple of his body guards.
He asked told the Bruins he knew where the Cup was, but they’d have to give him the Bear if they wanted it back. Thomas, Ference and Thornton weren’t taking his crap and closed in on P.K. Subban. Subban dove to the ground before the Bruins got anywhere near him. Hotel security burst through the door and retrained the Bruins and gave them two minutes on the couch as Subban fled the room and demanded the trio bring the bear back to his mansion if they ever wanted to see the Cup again.
They devised a plan to put roofies into Youppi the mascot and feed him to the Bear. to subdue him. Thornton tossed Youppi into the bathroom and then they went to work.
Thortnon and Thomas searched for clues to the whereabouts of Subban’s Diving Mansion in the room while Ference tried to clear his mind with a little song.
One of the Vancouver chickens was on the piano and Ference went on anyway.
At the mention of Thornton getting physical the chickens all fled the room, the sounds of crying and broken dreams following them down the hall. Then the bathroom door opened and the Bear emerged. The trio was stunned and then the Bear spoke.
“Dudes, you don’t have to drug me. I mean thanks, Youppi was delicious, but Subban stole the Cup so lets go to his mansion and kick his pansy ass!”
They all high fived but still had no clue where the mansion was but there was one man who might know. They had met him last night and he was quite the high roller. He know everyone in town but was a bit intense. They gave him a call and met up with him on the strip.
His name was Mr. Meow. He traveled with a heavy security detail. Apparently he had made a lot of enemies outside Boston. They asked him about Subban and the Cup.
“Yeah, I know where his mansion is. Rumor is you guys got super drunk and went to piss on a Ryan Kesler jersey. You said you were painting his jersey with pee tears,” Mr. Meow said. “One of my guys says he saw Subban sneak up behind you and run off with the Cup. Apparently he know he’d never win one on his own!”
“So where is his mansion,” Thornton asked.
“Meet me at dawn near the tomb of Vancouver Championship Hopes with a signed picture of Bobby Orr and I’ll tell you what you need to know,” Mr Meow said as he left.
Ference remembered there was a blackjack tournament back at the hotel and the grand prize was a Bobby Orr autograph! They hurried back and were just in time but then Ference started flirting with some bar skanks.
Thornton finally had enough and punched out EVERYONE and took the autograph. It was totally awesome.
Early the next morning they found Mr. Meow at the specified location.
“Do you have what I asked for?”
Thornton just tossed him the picture. Mr. Meow inspected it. “Great, thanks dudes! Subban’s mansion is on the corner of Coward St and Divers Lane. Give him one hell of a beating boys!
The Bruins put on their game faces and went back to the car.
They were well on the way to Subban’s mansion when their car broke down. The weight or their awesomeness was just too much. “Psh, good luck guys. I’m gonna sleep in the back. You start pushing,” the Bear said. On that whacky bear!
They got to Subban’s mansion and kicked in the door. They heard the sound of a woman weeping and followed it to Subban. They corned him in his living room. Subban looked terrified.
“Give us the Cup you little bitch or Thornton is gonna break your face,” Thomas chuckled as he saved three shots without even looking.
“Fine! Fine! Take anything you want! It is out back in my empty trophy room,” Subban exclaimed as tears filled his eyes. The Bruisn pummeled him anyway and finally took back what was rightfully theirs.
It was a long day but they finally recovered their prize and headed back to the hotel. They need a long night’s sleep. The first practice of the season was the next time and they need to be fresh. The tim to defend their title is upon them!
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