Justin: Welcome everyone to the first ever Y’Orrsie Awards!
Robb: Before we get started, there are a few people that Days of Y’Orr would like to thank. First, we’d like to thank VFW Post 223 for hosting the event. Without the VFW, not only would we have to have this show at a Fridays but we would not be able to drink such high quality beer like Bud Light at a nice price.
Jon: We’d also like to thank the makers of Meow Mix for sponsoring this event. This is what happens when you leave a cat to look for sponsorships.
Greg: And last but not least we’d like to thank everyone who is in the audience right now. I’m sure all six of you will enjoy this awards show.
Justin: We have a great lineup of awards, presenters and musical guests on the bill tonight! First we’d like to welcome Patrice Purrgeron.
After the jump, the complete Y’Orrsie Awards!
Patrice Purrgeron: Tonight I’m here to present the “Best Overall Playoff Beard” Award. Being a cat who is covered in fur, I can really appreciate a good face full of hair! :waits for laughter, doesn’t get any: Is this mic on? Anyways, here are the nominees for Best Overall Playoff Beard.
And the Y’Orrsie for “Best Playoffs Beard” goes to…Big Z, Zdeno Chara! Anything you want to say to the audience Z?
Jon: Ah those Sedin sisters, always good for a laugh. Speaking of fairies, our next presenter is Criss Angel.
Criss Angel: Hello. My name is Criss Angel. I like magic. I am a mind freak. I will freak your mind. I did the NHL awards. I also had show on A&E. I freaked their minds too. Tonight, I’m presenting award for Bobby Y’Orrsie. I love hockey. It freaks my mind. Much like me, these guys party without shirts. Here are your nominees for “Most Likely To Party Without A Shirt On”:
Brad Marchand and Tyler Seguin
…and the Y’Orrsie goes too…Me! Criss Angel! I just FREAKED YOUR MIND! I SHOULD FLOAT OUT OF HERE! No, really, the winner is Brad Marchand and Tyler Seguin.
Greg: Security, Get Criss Angel out of here! God, if we wanted second rate talent we would have called in Dog The Bounty Hunter and Billy the exterminator from Billy The Exterminator! Criss Angel isn’t even a shit stain on A&E’s underwear!
What, this mic is on!?
:runs out on stage:
Now, this next award is for all of your mumblers out there. Whether it’s because you’re a dolt or English isn’t your first language, this awards means no one know what the fuck you’re saying. There was only one man who could properly present this award. The mayor of Boston, Tom Menino!
Tom Menino: Before I pwesent the awawd for “I Need Subtitles When I Spweak” Awawd, I want to thank Days of Y’Orr fowa having me here. James, Bob, Gary and Don do a gweat job writing their bwog posts. I wemember when the Bwuins won the trowphy like it was yesterday. Watching Mark Recchi score fwom mid-field was amazing. Tuukka Rask was clutch behind the pwate. I especially want to thank Donald Sterns.
The nominees for “I Need Subtitles When I Speak” Awawd are:
And the winnah for “I Need Subtitles When I Speak” Y’Orrsie goes too…David Krejci! David couldn’t be here because he’s home in Italy with Big Papi pwaying golf. This one is fowa you David!
Justin: Wonderful. Compelling. Rich. Incoherent. Thank you Mayor! Our first guests have a wonderful dance for you! Here’s Tuukka and Timmy!
Justin: Whimsical! To present the award for “Best Hair”, we proudly present to you – Uncle Jesse from the early episodes of Full House!
Uncle Jesse: You may not know this about me, but I have fantastic hair. Once Michelle tried to baby spit all over it and I threw her down the stairs. The good thing about that was that there were two of them. Hair is a persona. My hair tells you that I love Whitesnake, but I’m also in a kick ass cover band that loves to play “My Sherona” in the living room while the kids are trying to sleep. It may also tell you that “The Rippers” were one of the greatest musical inventions since multi-track mixers.
It may not be “The Smash Club”, but the nominees for “Best Bruins Hair” are:
Brad Marchand’s playoff mohawk and Mark Recchi’s bald spot!
Now there are some great lids right there! I think we know who won this one and it’s not DJ at her karate tournament. The Y’Orrsie goes to…Adam McQuaid!
Robb: Hey Adam, please go force choke the life out of Criss Angel. The term “Teach Me How To Dougie” hit levels of annoyance over the weekend when the Bruins drafted Dougie Hamilton. This phenomina in the music scene is much like herpes, it’s a horrible disease with no cure. Speaking of herpes, our next presenter for the “Most Likely To Know How To Dougie” Award, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton!
Kim Kardashian: I don’t know to Dougie, but I’d like to learn.
Paris Hilton: That’s hot.
Kim Kardashian: I’m on TV.
Paris Hilton: That’s hot.
:suddenly three red dots appear on Kim Kardashian’s chest:
Kim Kardashian: This isn’t the first time I’ve had balls on my chest
Paris Hilton: That’s hot.
Kim Kardashian: Before I die, here are the nominees for “Most Likely To Know How To Dougie”:
Paris Hilton: And the winner is Tuukka Rask.
:All of a sudden the Predator shoots Kim Kardashian and drives his hook through the body of Paris Hilton. Everyone cheers, of course. Jon and Patrice walk out.:
Jon: That’s hot.
Patrice Purrgeron: I wouldn’t lick myself with Paris Hilton’s tongue.
Jon: I agree. Well Patrice, the show is almost over. We have three more awards to give out.
Patrice Purrgeron: Yes Jon, this is correct, but you’re forgetting about the next performance! Here to shoot fireworks out of their crotch are Zdeno Chara, Greg Campbell and Brad Marchand!
Robb: Taunting is part of life. Walking over to the VFW today, I witnessed an old woman fall in the street and I laughed at her. I then helped her up and began laughing at her some more as I fell to the ground numerous times. It was fantastic. She’s going to die soon anyways! Here to present “Best Taunt” is the greatest taunter in the history of wrestling, Doink the Clown!
Doink The Clown: And the nominees for “Best Taunt” are:
Andrew Ference 3:16
…and the winner is. Ference 3:16! Andrew couldn’t be here today, but he sent us this still photo from his backyard.
Greg: Ference 3:16 said “I just won a Y’Orrsie!” Before we get to our final award, Darth Quaider has a message for all of you in the audience tonight.
Greg: And before we go, we have to present the award for “Best Hat Trick” by a Bruin. The nominees are:
Zdeno Chara vs. Carolina
Patrice Bergeron vs. Ottawa
David Krejci vs. Tampa Bay (playoffs)
…and the winner is, Zdeno Chara!
Jon: That’s not the last award big guy! We have one final one. We asked our fans to go online and vote for their favorite photoshop of the year, as picked by the Days of Y’Orr staff. We had a huge amount of votes.
Robb: We want to thank everyone for a fantastic year and we have some big plans for the upcoming season so stick around!
Justin: And the winner of “Days of Y’Orr Photoshop of the Year” goes to…
Greg: Top Gun Timmy!
Justin: A big thanks to everyone for coming out, to our award winners, our presenters, to the Predator for wiping those dumpster muffs off of the face of the planet and to everyone who has clicked on Days of Y’Orr over the past year.