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The Secret Affair Between James van Riemsdyk and Versus: A Patrice Purrgeron exclusive

Patrice Purrgeron here with an eye in the sky and an ear to the ground looking to keep the readers of Days of Y’Orr informed with any and all information. Ah Philadelphia, the City of Brotherly Love, the birthplace of freedom, cheese steaks and throwing batteries at athletes. Only in a city where a fake athlete is king will the citizens boo a magical person like Santa Clause but cheer for Charles Barkley and Mike Vick. After watching the television love affair between one James van Riemsdyk and Versus, I flew to Philadelphia to track down the couple to get an interview to find out what was going on. The readers of this website need to be informed and who am I to deny them of this information?

My trip first began at the Logan International Airport where I was greeted by the lovely people of TSA. At first, I had no issues with these lovely chaps until they asked me where I was going. Once I mentioned Philadelphia, their disgusted and horrified looks said it all. I stepped through the metal detector, which went off because of my highly stylish collar that I forgot to take off. Once the alarm went off, I was surrounded by five or six TSA members asking multiple questions. I felt violated, but not before the TSA member said it was time for a pat down.

TSA pat down
Once the pat down was over and I felt violated, the TSA official looked at me and said “This is nothing compared to Philadelphia.” Foreshadowing? Possibly.

After the jump, is it always sunny in Philadelphia? Purrgeron finds out…

I arrived in Philadelphia and knew the first place to look was at the Liberty Bell. With such an iconic piece of American Independence, I was positive that I would find the “secret couple” brimming with positivity and love. I was sure that James and Versus would be there, talking about James’ speed to the outside of the boards and how he “broke out” in Game 2 despite having two goals that bounced off of Bruins players and a bunch of shots that Tim Thomas ate up like a Five Guys Burgers and Fries double bacon cheeseburger with lettuce.

I hailed a cab at Philadelphia International Airport and headed straight for the Liberty Bell. While I was there I met three lovely people and asked them if they have seen James and Versus. The man in the black hat stated that the couple was here earlier looking at the Liberty Bell. He said that they were holding hands and I just missed them. The woman in the middle, who has a voice sweeter than Patrice Bergeron’s deposition, told me that they mentioned something about the Wells Fargo Center for goalie tryouts.


I need to eat because the rumble in my tummy reminded me of the rumble in the Garden before Game 7 against the Canadiens. I headed over to Gino’s for a famous Philadelphia Cheesesteak. For a city that prides itself on a sub/grinder/hoagie, it was sub-par at best. Okay I’m lying, it is amazing.

I arrived at the Wells Fargo Center with a full gullet and purring to go! I will not be stopped in my conquest of finding Versus and James van Riemsdyk together. Since the lovely trio at the Liberty Bell told me that JVR and VR would be here, I must look high and low for them. I walked up to the doors of the Wells Fargo Center only to be stopped by a portly security guard. Our conversation went like this.

Portly Security Guard: “Can I help you?”
Patrice Purrgeron: “I’d like to gain entrance into this establishment. I am looking for James and Versus.”
Portly Security Guard: “We have a “no pets” policy, sir.”
Patrice Purrgeron: “May the hounds of hell feast on your black heart sir! I will not stand for this injustice!”

Yet I decided to not unleash my claws on the lowly man. If I were to attack this man, the rest of Philadelphia would come down on me like my name was Ivan Drago. I knew it was time to go back to my old ways, my covert ops days. I called my friends from Navy SEALS Team Six and they instructed me on what I should do. The plan was set, I was to break into the Wells Fargo Center.

As I hung down from the ceiling of the Wells Fargo Center, the ice was clear of any Flyer. I was sure I’d see James and Versus here, but it’s unclear there is even a goalie try out tonight. It’s possible that the goal tending in Philadelphia is so bad that mere mortals can’t even witness its terrible display. It could be that the Flyers were just using this as a ruse to feed the Boubobeighton monster they’ve created. Unfortunately from what I can see, James and Versus are not here. It’s time to continue my search, but to where?

I left the Wells Fargo Center feeling extremely disappointed in myself. I was down in the dumps and looking for a way out. As I passed the Philadelphia Museum of Art, something stirred inside of me. Something I never thought I could feel. There was a fire that burned inside of me that was brighter than Scott Hartnell’s ginger beard. I looked at those stairs as they called out to me and I began to sprint like I’ve never sprinted before. I felt the coats of shame and depression leak off of me as I barreled up each step – my heart pounding with each passing stair. Once I reached the top, everything seemed clear. I clenched my fists and raised my arms in victory as I screamed out “VERSUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS”!

I knew what I must do. As I walked to my next location, I noticed a group of Flyers fans standing outside of a hotel pointing up to a suite. What I am about to show you is what I took with my open pictures. They are both shocking and at the same time not shocking at all.

I wish I could say I was surprised. I have figured out the secret affair of Versus and James van Riemsdyk and it includes a lot of blowing, apparently.