I don’t drink very often. And games like tonight are why.
It’s trippy enough to watch a game which contains a Ruben Tejada home run when you’re sober and you completely know what you’re seeing and hearing. When you’re tipsy? It’s a whole different animal. You’re not in your right mind, you’re ready to fall asleep on the LIRR, and you see on your phone that Ruben Tejada hit a home run. Is this the night you really want to down Blue Moon’s as if they were tic-tacs?
And then, you decide to listen to the broadcast on your phone and you hear that Ike Davis was thrown out stealing third. Now, my tolerance for alcohol is pretty low so I’m kinda floating around like a cockroach drowning in cake batter. Hearing Ike Davis attempting to steal third doesn’t help this. Making matters worse is hearing Jordany Valdespin hit a long drive to the gap, only to have the audio on the phone skip right to the commercial, totally skipping the call of Gregor Blanco’s diving catch. Once again, I picked the wrong day to drink significant alcohol.
(Though it wouldn’t surprise me if Valdespin started drinking after tonight. First he gets robbed of a hit, then he gets his t-shirt vandalized by his teammates. Perhaps The 7 Line will be all over that new design.)
But that isn’t enough. Still semi-wasted, Josh Thole bats with nobody out in the eighth inning and the bases loaded, and gets called out for running inside the baseline after getting hit with the throw from the catcher. Of all the things to happen to the Mets the last five or so seasons, I believe that might be a new one. Not something you want to experience while drunk.
Then, the ninth. The bases are loaded for Jason Bay with one out. I couldn’t even type “How’s Jason Bay going to screw this pooch” on twitter before he hits a scorching line drive which if placed anywhere else would have been a two run single. Instead, it smacks Brad Penny’s glove and he doubles off Daniel Murphy to end the inning. At that moment, a podium was wheeled out on the field so that Bay could announce his retirement to pursue a career as a badminton player on the Canadian national team. Because … I mean … why go on at that moment? Even Jeff Francoeur laughed at that.
The bottom of the ninth came next with the Mets … somehow, thanks to Jon Niese and Jon Rauch … had a 2-1 lead. And two of the worst things that can happen concurrently happened. First, Bobby Parnell came in the game. Soon after, I sobered up. The one scenario that I wanted … needed … to be under the influence for, Bobby Parnell coming into the game … and I’m sober. Why? Why does the Blue Moon fairy mess with me like that? Especially for a 1-2-3 inning by Parnell to save the win? I needed to be at the very least buzzed for that. Instead I’m sober. And it was the trippiest part of a game that featured nine Mets hits, nine Mets walks, and for some strange reason only two Mets runs.
So kids, let that be a lesson to you. Alcohol is bad. But if you’re going to drink, drink through the ninth inning. Go big or go home.