Here now is the recap of Sandy Alderson's conversation with Mike Francesa on WFAN on Thursday (which is best viewed after the fact through twitter):
Sandy Alderson: "How do I feel about the bullpen? Well, let’s say ‘uneasy.’ "
— Adam Rubin (@AdamRubinESPN) January 18, 2013
"We're still confronted with 2013, and I'm not happy with the preparation for 2013." Sandy said #Mets
— Michael Baron (@michaelgbaron) January 17, 2013
Duda in LF, Kirk/Cowgill in CF, "Uh… um… a couple people" in RF, says Sandy #mets
— Andrew Vazzano (@TheRopolitans) January 17, 2013
Take a look at the last one. Now the optimist in me (and I keep that optimist in a cage and feed it only bread and toothpaste) wants to believe that this sounds like somebody who wants us to believe that the Mets still have a shot at Justin Upton. The cynic in me, meanwhile, believes that Alderson really forgot that he acquired Andrew Brown earlier this month. But there might be something else in play here:
It's a worst-case scenario for most employees: There's someone in China who can do your job quickly, efficiently and for about one-fifth of your salary, and your boss absolutely loves his work. But one U.S. software developer turned this nightmare on its head and actually benefited from outsourcing, a report says. That's because, unbeknownst to his bosses, he hired a Chinese developer to do his job, allowing him to take home impeccable performance reviews while actually spending the day watching cat videos and shopping on EBay.
Why the hell didn't I figure this out before? The Mets are going to outsource right field so that Andrew Brown can watch cat videos on youtube! All this while some guy from an eastern hemisphere company will come in, hit .340, and nobody will notice because … well hell, the media has shown that they can't figure out that a fake dead girlfriend doesn't really exist. It'll take at least until August to figure out that Mike Baxter is platooning with some guy making $50,000, who will get impeccable performance reviews from every mid-season report card column and blog in the land!
Why stop there? Maybe Lucas Duda will outsource his job to Hologram Lucas Duda so that the real Duda can open his furniture moving business. Hologram Duda surely must have more range than his flesh and blood counterpart, and you can pay him in voltage. The hole in that theory is that if Duda was smart enough to think of it on his own, he probably would have had Hologram Duda move his furniture for him. Besides, the company that does these things is the same company that had the naming rights to the spring training stadium in Port St. Lucie … and they went bankrupt. So there goes that theory.
As for the uneasy bullpen? The Mets have been outsourcing those jobs for years. Unfortunately, they've been outsourcing to a country known as Kazsuckistan. (This country almost medaled in the biathlon at the Olympics but they kept shooting each other in the foot.) Aaron Heilman, Guillermo Mota, Casey Fossum, Manny Acosta … that's right. All natives of Kazsuckistan. You would think D.J. Carrasco is on that list, but Deadspin reported earlier today that he doesn't actually exist.
So in short, we have a couple of guys in right field, a bullpen we've seen every year since 2007, and the preparation for 2013 involved watching cat videos on youtube. Get your tickets now.