Kyrie Irving recently unveiled his Kyrie 4’s, and on Christmas, Nike released the new commercial for the new sneakers.
And it was glorious.
Here’s whole commercial:
Like I said… glorious. Let’s break it down because there’s a lot to unpack here…
Oh, this going to be a serious thing. Kyrie staring off into the either… what’s he looking at? Shots of himself failing so he can do a whole “put in the work” sequence? Shots of talking heads saying he can’t do it on his own so he can do a whole “prove them wrong” sequence? Shots of…
Gronk shows up and now you know the last 50 seconds of this will be a party. Gronk doesn’t show up to non-parties. No matter what is happening, it becomes a party when Gronk arrives. So when the camera pans over to Gronk, there’s no telling what will happen.
A mix tape? A boom box? Kyrie is a total millennial going back in time and pulling obsolete shit out of retirement. He was born in 1992 and probably wasn’t making anyone a mix tape until like 2004… by then we were burning CD with illegal mp3’s we downloaded. So this is just something Kyrie saw on the internet somewhere and thought “watch me blow people’s minds.”
Mission accomplished. I’m sucked in by the boom box. I’m disappointed it’s not music from Rent, but it’s ok. Let’s party.
“Welcome to Woke World, where the only admission is galaxy-brain consciousness. To gain entry, you must explain what is happening here.”
Trick question, there is no explanation for this. This is Kyrie fever dream…
… or is it reality and the rest of what you know as reality the fever dream?
I really feel like all this might be going on in Kyrie’s basement right now. Like he just pays this guy to skate that tiny halfpipe all day long in that weird outfit while he sits and watches and claps from time to time.
“This is my world”…
Kyrie’s been in on the joke the whole time. All that energy we spent on Kyrie and his flat-earth stuff is one big “gotcha” and Kyrie is enjoying the shit out of it all.
We now cross into the realm of Criss Angel, Mindfreak, which is probably a sphere frequented by Kyrie Irving in real life. I don’t even know if they used a rig or special effects for this. I think Kyrie might actually have use The Force to levitate. Kyrie only uses the force for dribbling and capitalism, though. That’s basically the extent of it.
JAYSON TATUM CAMEO!!
Just like on the court, Tatum scores big without doing too much or taking away anything from Kyrie. I want him to do more, but I’ll have to settle for writing 1,000 words on the efficiency of his popcorn intake.
Look at the delivery here, though. The delivery of this line goes well beyond a guy doing his first ad. This is the delivery of a guy who’s been doing ads for three or four years. This level of advanced sneaker-pitching makes me excited for what kind of ads he’ll be doing three years from now.
Wardrobe change and… what’s going on here?
Why is Kyrie’s body double a child? Is he trying to tell us something about all of us being a kid inside? Is he imploring us to let our inner-child out and free ourselves of the burdens of adulthood? Is it a cry for help where the child’s innocence allows him to reach a higher mental plane where he is free to unlock his true potential?
Or maybe this is just some kid with sick handles. I’m going to move on, because it’s becoming bothersome to me that some eight-year-old out there could break my ankles with an inside-out dribble.
“This is the Boston Philharmonic, and this is where it gets ridiculous.”
Oh THIS is where it gets ridiculous? OK I believe you because of the serious expression change. Without that, I’d think we were due for something even sillier that before. What could have topped all the other things, though? A LeBron cameo where he tries to pat Kyrie on the head but Kyrie keeps spinning away before it can happen? Gordon Hayward ripping off his boot to do a soft shoe routine? Brad Stevens flying down in a hot air balloon dropping expletives at Kyrie for not playing defense?
No, the facial expression tells us we’re due for this…
OK this is pretty ridiculous. Probably only took a couple of takes to get what they wanted too.
Now… time to lighten it up for the big finish.
“Plant based diet”… Kyrie is in on the joke.
Solid acting by Tatum with the “look down to demonstrate I don’t know where I am or how I got here” move. Still eating that popcorn though. He’s super-efficient with that popcorn consumption. I bet he’s avoided all the seeds even in that time-bending rewind sequence. He’s just eating popcorn at such a high level.
Fun ad from Kyrie delivered in true Kyrie fashion. This weirdness is where he lives.
He also lives here… in this bonus ad with the ankle-breaking kid.