Good day sports fans and welcome to the sweet sixteen edition of The NNISN. As usual we here at the Disassociated Press bring the headlines to you so fresh that they are still steaming. Tonight! Are the Raiders going to right the ship and beat the Chargers? Does the pope crap in the woods? How many bad puns will be made in regards to Plaxico Burress shooting himself? I would take a shot at it but I don’t want to jump the gun. If Michael Vick signed with the Browns, how would the Dog Pound respond to that? My guess…ruff. Ending a sentence in a preposition is something up with which I will not put! Teacher says everytime a buzzer rings an NBA coach gets his walking papers. THIS is the Not Necessarily Incorrect Sports News!
– In the Raiders game last week against the Broncos, Thomas Howard was flagged twice for roughing the passer after he tripped over Jay Cutler’s skirt.
– Tiger Woods was dropped by General Motors this week in the company’s effort to cut costs. Now he can finally take that Buick logo off of his Rolls Royce. But he will still need to keep the Nike logos on his Callaway clubs.
– This week Plaxico Burress went to a nightclub with a gun stuck in his sweatpants. He was carrying some drinks to the VIP room when the gun began to slip down his leg. And in an effort to catch the gun, it went off and he shot himself in the thigh. Then he was taken to a hospital and used a fake name. No joke necessary, you can’t make this stuff up.
– Plaxico turned himself in the next day and could face charges that carry a minimum 3 ½ year sentence. So that means that he shot himself and he could go to jail for it. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
– This incident comes as no surprise to those who have followed Plaxico’s career. As he has been shooting himself in the foot for years. Now he shoots himself in the thigh and he could go to prison where he will be taking shots from behind on a regular basis.
– Plaxico’s agent, Drew Rosenhaus had this to say: “First, my client Sean Taylor is tragically killed and now this. All of this is very stressfull for me because now I will be forced to make an appearance on every news program and talk show in the country. I don’t enjoy the spotlight and I get nothing out of it. They are all paid appearances of course…Excuse me I have to take this call…Conan! what’s crackin big fella?”
– The Cleveland Cavaliers played in New York last week amid rumors that LeBron James could leave Cleveland after next season and sign with the Knicks. Knick fans were seen wearing LeBron T-shirts at games that read “I am witness”. There was also a considerable amount of cheering for LeBron during the game. It went a bit too far when during halftime Spike Lee got up and performed “When you get caught between the Moon and New York City” dedicated to LeBron. I know it’s crazy, but it’s true.
– The Detroit Pistons, despite having a winning record this season, are winless on Sunday (0-4). What is it about Detroit sports teams and being winless on Sunday? Perhaps instead of playing games, they should be in church. Afterall, how else would you punish people who live in Detroit? Hell would be an upgrade.
– Last Thursday sports fans were thankful that they were able to see the Cowboys play as they do every year on Thanksgiving. Because how else would we get to see them? Since ESPN never reports on them and the networks never show their games.
– Instead of the Lions playing every Thanksgiving, shouldn’t it be the Redskins? Well, since it is the devastation of thousands of Native Americans to small pox that we are celebrating right?
– By the third quarter of the Lions and Titans game in Detroit, fans were already heading for the exits. Not because they were losing but because they were in a hurry to wait in line outside of Wal-Mart so they could get trampled again on Friday morning.
– With both the Cleveland Browns and Notre Dame struggling, there is a good possibility that both Romeo Crennel and Charlie Weis could be fired as each team’s head coach. Which begs the question; Is there anything about those Patriots championship teams that wasn’t a fraud?
– NFL kicker Laurence Tynes asked George W Bush this week if he would pardon his brother who is in prison on a 27 year sentence. Unfortunately for Tynes, Bush was a cheerleader and they don’t bend over backwards for kickers.
– On Sunday the Raiders attempted a fake field goal play in which Shane Lechler flipped the ball behind him between his legs to Janikowski who would then “run” for first down. It failed badly as the ball was fumbled and returned for a Chiefs touchdown. Tom Cable said they had practiced that play every day in practice but had never used it. And since the Washington Generals haven’t been on the schedule, the Chiefs were the next best thing.
– After the explosiveness the Sebastian Janikowski showed on the fake field goal the Raiders attempted on Sunday, Seabass has asked if he can try his hand at returning kicks. He may not be elusive but he certainly is a load.
– Disassociated Press