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A Practical Guide to Donovan Hand Pun Usage

(Image: Rich Pilling/Getty Images)

Now that Donovan Hand has been with the Brewers for about one month, he’s had a chance to endear himself to fans with his unassuming manner and his generally effective pitching.  After his terrific spot start against the Braves this weekend, it’s easy to imagine several fans want to give him a Hand.  (My esteemed colleague Jess Lemont was an early adopter of that line.)

Since Donovan has a name with nearly limitless potential for puns, it’s important to use them prudently.  With that in mind, here is an incomplete guide to some scenarios where using a Donovan Hand pun will earn the respect of your peers and the attention of potential mates.  For maximum effect, try to make it sound like you came up with these off the top of your head.

(Note: I’ll omit the obvious pun you would use if Donovan does a good job, since it’s kind of, you know, tacky.)

Donovan earns a hold: Handstand

Donovan comes out of the game mid-inning: Handover

Donovan has a rough outing: Handoff

Donovan goes on the disabled list: Handout

Donovan loses his footing and stumbles off the mound:  Handshake

Donovan throws a pitch over 95 mph: Handgun

Donovan eats a satisfying meal: Hand-full

Donovan goes 4.2 innings but is taken out before he can earn a win: Short-Handed

Donovan gains weight in the offseason and needs to diet: Heavy-Handed

Donovan is asked a question and answers without hesitation: Sure-Handed

Donovan is caught on camera nude while his teammates are giving post-game interviews in the clubhouse: Bare-Handed

Donovan has a brother who also ends up pitching for the Brewers: Second Hand

Donovan loses effectiveness and is released, but his brother stays: On the other Hand (also Changed Hands)

Donovan and his brother bring their families over for a visit: Show of Hands

Donovan and his brother both go on the disabled list at the same time: Idle Hands

Donovan pitches in four straight games and is unavailable: Brewers overplay their Hand

Donovan is traded: Brewers are out of Hand (also Under-Handed)

Donovan takes a page from Adam LaRoche’s playbook and cuts the crotch out of his teammates’ underwear while they take batting practice: Sleight of Hand

Donovan goes out drinking with Yovani Gallardo and is arrested for public intoxication: Brewers get their Hand dirty

Donovan gets a job as a bartender in the offseason, and his teammates come by and generously buy several rounds: Brewers tip their Hand

Donovan gives Yuniesky Betancourt a cup of Gatorade and a Zagnut – but Yuni has a defection flashback and inexplicably assaults him, Hannibal Lecter-style: Yuni bites the Hand that feeds

Donovan gets married and consummates the union on their wedding night: Going Hand in Hand

Donovan tells family and/or friends he’s been optioned: Hand: “Me down”

Good thing none of those were tacky!