It’s December 23, and you know what that means — it’s Festivus! As always, Festivus begins with the Airing of Grievances. Brewers, we’ve had a good past few weeks, but in the words of Frank Costanza, I’ve still got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it.
ROENICKE! You say you want to run more. But so help me God, if you ruin this offense by running into outs, I will rain down blows.
MELVIN! Betancourt stinks. Don’t stop looking for shortstops.
BETANCOURT! You stink. I’m taking up a collection to pay for your buyout.
SEID! Your past two drafts have stunk. You couldn’t draft a good starter if you had a hot date with a babe…I lost my train of thought.
BRAUN! People tell me your restaurant stinks. Even the guys from Jersey Shore wouldn’t wear your t-shirts. I hate that this picture exists and I hate that you have Gallardo wearing those stupid shirts. He wasn’t mugged, he was attacked for wearing the equivalent of a “kick me” sign.
FIELDER! You look trim. It would’ve been nice to see, say, three years ago and not in a contract year.
GOMEZ! Think you can stop trying to hit .260 long enough to quit swinging at garbage?
COUNSELL! One more wishy-washy offseason and you’re in Brett Favre territory.
WEEKS! Sign the damn extension already.
NARVESON! Quit screwing around in the first inning.
MCGEHEE! If you get any pudgier, I’m going to start comparing you to Homer Simpson.
That’s all I have. Unless anyone else has grievances to air, it’s time for the Feats of Strength. Festivus is not over until someone can pin Prince Fielder.