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Brewer News For April Fool’s Day


Hey guys, I have to apologize here. There’s been quite a bit of big news this week that, for one reason or another, me and Andy haven’t found the time to cover. So, we’re going to do a quick roundup of what we missed (by the way, happy April 1st):

— The Brewers and Zack Greinke have agreed to a 5 year, $90M extension with an $19M option for 2018, as well as a clause that allows the right-hander to participate in one pickup basketball game per year over the life of the deal. Doug Melvin spoke to the media briefly about the deal, calling it “A great moment for our franchise.” Greinke’s agent, Zack Greinke, also discussed the agreement, stating “Our opinion of our client remains very high, and we are thankful that the Brewers share that view. Our client looks forward to staying a part of the Brewer family and retiring in Milwaukee.”

However, Greinke is reportedly unhappy with his agent’s comments, explaining to reporters, “What the f***? I only got $90 million? CJ Wilson got that much and he isn’t even good. What the hell is the “Brewer family” anyway? Do I at least have a no-trade clause?” Skipper Ron Roenicke also expressed his concern, wondering how the club would conform to MLB’s “Tony Plush Rule”, which forbids a club from carrying more than 30 distinct personalities at a time on their 25-man roster.

— In an unexpected turn of events, former Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt has bought the Brewers from Mark Attanasio. Surprisingly, McCourt doesn’t intend to pay for the club using the money from his sale of the Dodgers: The majority of his funds will come from financing debt, and he said that he has lined up a minority owner, a Nigerian Prince that will purchase a share of the team in an attempt to move a large sum of money. McCourt stated that he plans to raise the prices of tickets, concessions, and parking in order to keep the club’s payroll at a level slightly lower than it is right now.

It isn’t clear how or why McCourt was approved by the other 30 owners, but it is believed that McCourt won over commissioner Bud Selig by promising to never offer an amateur player a signing bonus of more than $100– except, of course, for McCourt’s grandson, who called to tell him that he had been arrested in Canada and needed $5000 for bail.    

— You may have seen Nyjer Morgan’s recent bit for PETA, but now it appears the outfielder is taking things a step farther. After adopting “Slick Willie” last year, the cat, as Morgan says, “brought out his soft side”. Now, apparently, one soft side is not enough: Teammates who have been to his residence are reportedly starting to worry as Morgan has adopted one cat after another and reportedly now owns 15 of them. His neighbors are allegedly starting to complain, and nobody knows what will happen when the team goes on a weeklong road trip. Sources stated GM Doug Melvin was clueless as to what the club could do. “We knew this guy was crazy when we got him, but even we didn’t see this coming,” a Brewers official said. The official went on to say that “we were always afraid that something like this might happen”, adding that the club’s decision to bid on outfielder Norichika Aoki was partly due to concerns about Morgan’s mental health.

Happy April Fools Day, everyone.