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RECAP 16: Bannermen

The Penguins got shelled last night in a mostly meaningless mid-November game.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

Of course, after all the shit-talking between the two sides, it came against the Caps.  It had to.

What you have here is a great example of compensation.  Citing how long your city has existed is like rolling around town in a jacked up diesel dually with those dumb idiot truck nuts on the hitch.

Everyone knows you’re “under-equipped” downstairs regardless of how much smoke you blow.

I guess you can say the same about the Caps last night.  They were just blowing smoke.

And look. I get it. It’s not your fault. Nature just wasn’t kind to you. But no matter how many times you hear “it’s not you, it’s me” or “size doesn’t really matter,” deep down you know that it really is you and yes, size does matter.  Because no matter how many beers you can slam, bro, the end result will be the same: 2nd base (or the 2nd round of the playoffs, in this dick metaphor), is the furthest you’ll ever get.

What followed was uglier than the new Ghostbusters movie: the worst defeat a Crosby Penguins team has suffered against an Ovechkin Capitals team.  Maybe they can raise a banner for that.

FIRST PERIOD

Say what you will about the Caps, like they don’t show up when it matters, they showed up last night and drove the play early on.  Marcus Johansson and Tom from MySpace had two primo chances on which Murray made two great saves.  Brett Connolly, who apparently still plays in the NHL, took a dumb penalty on 87 to put the Pens on the powerplay in an attempt to bring the game back to equilibrium.  One team would score.  It wouldn’t be the Penguins.

Like, what in the holy fuck was any of that from Malkin.  Basically set the tone for the rest of his night.  Not even overdosing on Valium would’ve calmed his ass down.  Great initial save from Murrda though.  1-0 Caps

The rest of the period went as follows, even though the game really ended 7:32 into the period:

Crosby made a mean face on the bench.  Malkin kicked the puck in the net.  Backstrom made it 2-0.  Murray took Malkin’s stick to the mouth and Fleury came in.  Oshie made it 3-0.  Like an episode of Gilmore Girls, there was literally nothing you could take away from it other than “this fucking sucks.”

Kind of a soft goal, but it’s not like the kid had any help in front of him.

Alzner cross-checked Murray, but Malkin was the only on getting a penalty.  Sure, makes sense.

SECOND PERIOD

The second period didn’t get any better.  In face, it got worse.  Backstrom did a nice job blocking a shot in his own end and springing MarcJo the other way for a nice little dish to set up Orlov.  4-0 Caps

If you would’ve driven a bottle of NyQuil into your gut or just simply went to bed after that, no one would’ve blamed you.  Even if the Pens wanted to or could get anything going, they fucked it to death with unnecessary penalties.  Four in total in the period with the Caps going 2/7 on the game.

THIRD PERIOD

Early in the period, Letang would head off for closing his hand on the puck in the d-zone and, not long into that kill, Dumoulin went off for shooting the puck over the glass, which meant Justin Williams showed up for the first time this season to make it 5-0.  Much like Williams when the game didn’t matter anymore, Ovi showed up on the scoresheet on a breakaway to make it 6-0 midway through the period.

justin-williams

If the shorthanded goal wasn’t the game in a nutshell, and the above gif wasn’t either, the end of the game was.  At 6-0, there isn’t much to be positive about.  But with 3:31 left, Future President Elect Phil Kessel would give you the hope; veiled positivity. He’d steal one back, break the shutout, and provide a small bright spot.  But that’s not what “in a nutshell” means is it?  Backstrom’s burying another one 30 seconds later falls into that definition, though.  7-1.  Deuces.

RANDOM

  • Nick Backstrom was far and away the best player on the ice.  He even made Oshie look like a respectable hockey player.
  • Refs weren’t great again, but they didn’t spot the Caps 4 goals when the game was maybe kinda almost in reach.
  • Almost no help given to Murray or Fleury either.  Can’t fault either of them for 6.5 of the 7 goals.
  • Caps literally could’ve won this game 15-0.  It was that bad and really not that far off.
  • Still just the 16th game of the season.  Pretty sure there will be at least 3 more games where the Pens just take the night off  \_(ツ)_/¯

Pens travel to Brooklyn to take on the Isles on Friday night.  Would expect them to come out like bats out of Hell.