RECAP: Welcome back, Steelers fans

Sunday was a tough one for Steeler Nation. Look. When Bill Belichick walks on to a football field with the hood already up on a sweatshirt that still has its sleeves intact, that’s his way of letting you know he had this game won months ago. No need for any effort from the coach today, nope. He was scouting the Steelers for this game back in August. Wrote the gamescript in September. Made plans for what he’d eat for a post-game meal in October. Probably knew Bell was going to hurt his groin around the same time. Don’t believe me? Watch the trophy celebration after the game. Nobody on this planet has ever been less enthused to receive an award. He honestly looked like he wanted to give it back because he already knows he doesn’t have the room for it. Another paper weight I have to carry? Geeze. He already knew a win was eminent. So the Steelers want to switch things up and play man-to-man? No worries. Bill Belichick probably already has the best man-to-man-beating wide receiver in the world on his roster. He’s a 5’7″ white guy you have never heard of, from a college you have never heard of, and he hasn’t played a snap yet this season, or maybe ever, but best believe Belichick had him ready to go.

And honestly, Steelers fans, you had to know deep down in your black and gold hearts that this was coming. I mean, how much stock were you putting into Antonio Brown being a good business owner? Business went from booming to Bitcoin after one Facebook post. Not that his video lost them the game or anything, but that’s not the point. When you play New England, you can’t afford any missteps. You can’t waste a moment of time on Facebook, or on a boat… You can’t even afford to take the five minutes needed to cancel a public appearance. No. This is the Patriots we’re talking about here. As a matter of fact, you need to spend the entire week in church studying game film with Jesus, and even that didn’t always work for the Manning family.

The good news for everyone today is there is still 4-5 months of hockey left and the Penguins are still good. Sunday they beat the Bruins 5-1 to prevent the city of Boston from completely overtaking Pittsburgh. Imagine a city where half the people speak yinzer and the other half speak with a Boston accent — you couldn’t even call it an accent, it would just be a large group of people saying most words wrong. Did you lose your car keys or your khakis? We’ll never know.

The game itself yesterday, which started early because the Penguins are managed by a group of reasonable and understanding people, really isn’t worth diving too deep into. We have other things to discuss right now. This post is essentially about officially welcoming you, the Steelers fan, back aboard the Penguin bandwagon.

A lot has changed since we’ve seen you last…

You’re going to see one of three types of games when the Pens are involved: 1.) They are losing early but come back to win in the third, 2.) They are losing early and continue to lose, and 3.) They dominate from start to finish. Numbers 1 and 2 are really hard to tell the difference between, so be sure to just go ahead and leave these games early because they’re not worth the excitement of beating traffic. But like we said, the game yesterday was of the #3 variety, so really nothing else to see with it.

Moving along, Steelers fans, here are some more things you will need to know for the rest of the season:

• The Pens have been pretty good so far. You knew they’d be right here waiting for you in January. And if they weren’t…”trade Malkin; Crosby doesn’t deserve the ‘C’ on his jersey”…don’t forget what is really important here. Pittsburgh didn’t become the City of Champions by letting these Canadians and Europeans get the slide.
• Their home/road splits are a lot like Ben’s: really good and kind of bad. And just like with Ben, look past them. They’re just numbers, they don’t mean anything.
• Speaking of stats, just go ahead and ignore all of them when it comes to Kris Letang. He still sucks, especially on the powerplay. Probably should shoot more, too.
• Sullivan is a good coach but we know the best way to a Cup is to fire him and hire someone else. It’s a proven method.
• The Pens definitely try harder when Matt Murray is in goal. They don’t like Fleury. Rumor is Fleury is a huuuge Trump supporter. They definitely want Fleury to give up the goals and Murray to stop all of them.
•  Bringing your Terrible Towel to games is totally endearing and not at all cheesy. Please continue to do this.
• Steelers jerseys are totally acceptable to wear to games. It’s still Pittsburgh, which is all that really matters here.
• If the Pens are losing just yell at them to shoot more. It almost always works and they definitely can hear you.
• Everybody knows defense is what wins championships so if they hit a rough stretch, please call Mark Madden and tell him they need to be more physical.

That should just about cover everything. If we missed something, check in with a Steelers beat writer. They’re the real experts when it comes to hockey.