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A Plethora of Reasons Why the Lions are my Second Favorite NFC North Team


I’ve made it no secret around these parts that I have, over time, started to grow a half chub for the Detroit Lions. This is very odd considering I’m a Vikings fan and need to cheer against them in order for my club to win. But damn, let’s face it. The Detroit Lions are putting together a sexy group of players and, while they’re heading into the Vikings and Lions game this Sunday trying to scramble together a 6-10 record to end the season which still sucks, they still have great future potential to win. And even if they don’t start to win? They have proven to me over the entirety of the 2010 season that their organization is pretty awesome. That includes having a center in Dominic Raiola yelling to fans in Miami to suck his dick. Think Birk ever said that? No, he quoted some science formula, then scoffed and fans, quaffed his fine blond hair, and strutted into the locker rooms. FUCKING NERD.

The Lions are awesome (at least clearly more so than the Packers, Bears, and a Vikings team that has Brett Favre on it), and here are some more reasons why:

1. Their backup quarterbacks Dougie:
I have no idea what the hell a Dougie is. I think it’s some crazy dance that all those young kids have been doing recently. I know John Wall does it better than most anyone, but I also know that the Detroit Lions’ backup quarterbacks, whether that’s shitty Shaun Hill or shitty Drew Stanton, Dougie after they score a touchdown against the Bears. Look, the NFL even has video of it! I haven’t seen a Vikings player do anything so awesome/retarded since Daunte Culpepper got his roll on. Favre’s fist pump and gay little jump don’t count.

2. Their coach wins over our coach(es): The Detroit Lions are coached by Jim Schwartz. If I remember right (and I’m really too lazy to look it up) he used to be the defensive coordinator of defensive line coach for the Tennessee Titans, probably around the time when Albert Haynesworth was stomping on faces. Cool. Schwartz also Tweets that he drives to the stadium on game day listening to Judas Priest’s “Painkiller.” Did you read that right? Read it again. He listens to Judas Priest on the way to go coaching. You think Brad Childress of Leslie Frazier will ever do that? Fuck and no. This is awesome beyond comprehension.

3. One of their shitty cornerbacks did the Carlton Dance: Alphonso Smith plays for the Lions. He did one thing good throughout his entire career, I’m sure, but that includes intercepting a pass, taking it back for a touchdown, and then doing the Carlton Dance for a celebration. Percy Harvin goes Jesus, Purple Jesus points to Jesus, Winfield slides down a stripper pole, and Gerhart acts white. Alphonso Smith acts way cooler.

4. Ndamukong Suh: I’ve also mentioned I’m a Nebraska Cornhuskers fan before (suck it, Gopher rubes!). Suh happens to only be one of the greatest Huskers ever, and now one of the best defensive linemen in the NFL. Rookie starting defensive tackle? Uh, yeah. Right where he should be. My dream is that Favre will start on Sunday, get killed by Suh, and then we can all be happy. I won’t be that lucky though.

Now, with all this being said, hey, there’s still plenty of things that suck about Detroit like it’s Detroit, it’s in Michigan, their black uniforms are somehow worse than our current ones, they ruined Barry Sanders, and they’re from Michigan. But they also let us use their stadium to lose in this year, so that’s a pretty nice gesture from them. I know some will disagree with me about the Lion love, but it should be noted that the days of the listless Motor City Kitties are over. They are building something nice, and if their tits loving quarterback can ever stop hurting himself by masturbating, this team can put together a couple of nice seasons. So don’t sleep, or they’ll dance and metal rock all over your face.