“Hello everyone, it is your second favorite white defensive end for the Minnesota Vikings, Brian Robison. I am just here today to wish you, and your prostate, a very happy Valentine’s Day.”
“Now, you may ask, Brian, why are you wishes my prostate a happy Valentine’s Day? Should you also be extending those wishes to my significant other, or at least my hand? Well, certainly I wish them a happy Valentine’s Day too, but, dear reader, you need to understand that when you and your prostate are having a happy Valentine’s Day, the chances of your wife, girlfriend, body pillow, microwaved sock, or your little sisters Ugg boots will to. You see, recent studies have shown that when men ejaculate at least 13 times a month that it helps to prevent prostate cancer. When you prevent prostate cancer your chances of a healthy and satisfying life increases exponentially. And if you’re alive to experience a healthy life, then your significant other will be reap the awards of your presence, leading her to not only have a happy Valentine’s Day today, but also for many, many years to come.
“Come? Oh, I get it. How clever.
“With that said though, if you’re ejaculating too early on Valentine’s Day today, then it probably won’t be a very happy day. I know, this gets a bit tricky, but just remember that if you need to rub out some knuckle babies in the morning and then pound skins later that evening with a quarter tank, that will still count as two healthy ejaculates and one happy partner.
“So enjoy your day. Wake up, make your special someone breakfast in bed, rub one out in the shower, go pick up the roses at the local florist, jack one into your receipt in your car, make your dinner reservations just in time, excuse yourself to make some man batter in the public bathroom stall, and then serenade the lovely lady to your song before you meet your healthy ejaculate quota inside her meat pie before the clock strikes midnight. It will be a health conscious day for you, and an event for her to remember for the rest of her life.
“So have a happy Valentine’s Day, Vikings fans, and remember, a healthy prostate means lots of unprotected sex. Enjoy.”