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Daunte Culpepper Signs with UFL; Looks for Greater Competition

Former Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper isn’t looking at his recent career transition as a downgrade, but rather an opportunity to increase his level of competition. In order to do that, he has signed on with the UFL’s Sacramento Mountain Lions to play as their starting quarterback, definitely, probably, increasing the level of competition he’ll be playing against during the football season.

“I am very excited about this opportunity” Culpepper said in a self authored and publicly released statement. “I get to play again with Dennis Green. Hurray! He is great coach. The Sacramento Mountain Lions are lucky to have him. As am I, too. Mostly, I am excited to have the opportunity again to play against a high level of competition in a respected football league. At the very least, it will be better than the second stringers of the Detroit Lions of the National NFL, although, admittedly, not by much.”

It has been an amazing ride for Culpepper since his days in Minnesota. After suffering a career threatening injury which, really, proved to be the end of anything good concerning his career, Culpepper had several stints with other NFL teams of varying caliber of competition in the Miami Dolphins, Oakland Raiders, and the Detroit Lions. In each location Culpepper was offered an opportunity to start at quarterback for the respective teams, but the competition was too inferior for him to truly take the game seriously.

Daunte admits that he would fall into bad habits after not respecting his opponents.

“While playing in great football cities like Oakland has been a pleasurable, I realize now that I could not take the game seriously while throwing to Javon Walker. His talent was just far inferior to mine” he continued in his statement. “I sometimes treated the game, and the football, carelessly with fumbles and interceptions, and I do apologize for that behavior, but my heart was not in the competition levels there. I knew I had to find better teammates, so I went to Detroit.”

Amazingly, Culpepper stayed in Detroit for two years, seemingly making a case for himself until he was beat out by pudgy frat boy Matthew Stafford as a rookie. “I respect the Lions organization for letting me play against weaker competition in order to boost my confidence level back up, but like in Oakland, I could not find my motor to propel me to Jedi status. You know, like Jedi Knights, with laser swords and pew-pew guns.”

So Culpepper retires from the NFL perhaps for the last time, and looks towards greener pastures, or at least ones more coastal.

“I am excited to revive my career against some of the UFL’s best. I heard they have JP Losman on a team? Wow! What company!” He concluded in his statement. “It is truly an honor. To the people of Sacramento, get ready for some drum solos with Denny and myself. Also, watch over your shoulder, because I heard Mountain Lions are dangerous, like bears. RAWR?!”