The big news in the blogosphere yesterday, besides the wild fire spreading factoid that I am an attractive young male, was that ESPN sent a memo around the offices in Bristol blacklisting the noteworthy “rapey” story surrounding Ben Roethlisberger. Did I spell his name right? I don’t care. He’ll be known for the rest of this article as Benetration.
Anyway, the accusations against Benetration are pretty serious. If you look around the internet you can find the whole story. My understanding is that he allegedly forced himself on a hotel worker in a similar fashion that fat people try to approach a horse. Several people note that this is clearly not a case where ESPN can brush it under the rug and say they don’t report on speculation, and if they do they leave it to Ed Werder, because lawyers have been hired by Benetration to defend against this suite and, well, the evidence is pretty strong. And it sounds like something someone would due who hasn’t had a Choco Taco in a while, but that’s not really solid evidence in a court.
Many have openly wondered if there is some other ulterior motive at hand for ESPN that would force them to protect their most recent highlight reel Super Bowl quarterback and lover of all things chocolaty and tacoy. That may very well be the case and, if true, should add further fodder for any of you frat dicks that still watch ESPN like an authentic, unbiased news channel (FOX NEWS!) and refuse to believe that it’s simply a mockery of itself. Bob Ley is slowly gouging out his eyes over this. All in all, this event provides insight into how one sided ESPN is, and also makes them fairly predictable about which stories they will, and will not cover …
– Brett Favre hates black people. This is so true (See: not at all, or at least, I have no idea) it’s scary. I hear he doesn’t even own a pair of black shoes in his entire wardrobe because he can’t stand anyone of color. He only lasted one year in the New York area because of higher concentrations of cultural diversity as well, before scampering back to the south for the summer and finding a viable team to play with in the Midwest during football season. But low and behold, ESPN would never report this as it would tarnish their greatest human Barbaro ever, or at least cut them off from their annual Christmas card from Deanna. Topless.
– Green Bay is not a great team. ESPN has to still spoon feed the tradition of Green Bay and attempt to declare them as America’s Team when no one gives a flying fuck about them or anything within the state of Wisconsin. Yet Green Bay receives an amazing amount of television exposure for being in the Midwest and their players are renowned as fantastic when they are really mediocre (Ryan Grant? Athankyou.). If they were on the East Coast they’d be called the Buffalo Bills and would suffer accordingly. But because the afore mentioned dick wad quarterback played for them and ESPN apparently has some contractual agreement to wash the cities balls all the time, Green Bay will continue to receive unwarranted exposure.
– The NBA is going to get Kahn’d. A bit off topic for a football blog, but as long as we’re talking about ESPN biases and local Minnesota ties, let’s discuss David Kahn, the new Timberwolves GM. He has Benetrated three NBA teams by my count now (Wizards, Knicks, Clippers) in either trades or drafting cock blocks and he’s not done. While ESPN will have you believe that Ricky Rubio is basically a Knick already and that Kahn is an idiot for drafting two point guards, people in Minnesota know that Kahn is in Spain RIGHT FUCKING NOW negotiating with local endorsement dollars a way for Rubio to be with the Pups in 2009. Also, Johnny Flynn was the Summer League rookie MVP, and now the Wolves are set with three potential first round draft picks in a very deep draft in 2010, huge expiring contracts, and valuable assets to trade. So fuck off, ESPN, you’re next to get Kahn’d.
– Tarvaris Jackson and Sidney Rice love them some under aged girls. Well, that has been a rumor going around for quite some time now. I have no idea if it is true, but why not? Everyone gets fooled twice. And if this story did have wings, I would actually expect ESPN to run with it like anything else that negatively affects the Vikings. So, some guys had a sex party on a boat. Were you jealous that you weren’t invited, Berman? Well, let’s keep talking about it five years later after the entire roster and staff has completely turned over like it’s still an issue. Or remember back in 1734 when the Vikings missed their draft pick and still got one of the best players in that draft? Fucking hilarious. What’s odd though is that they never mention Benetration’s rape, Irvin stabbing people in the neck with a scissors or Aaron Rodgers boring out strippers in Vegas. Nothing to harm America’s teams. Fuckwads.
– Any slip up that Brad Childress Makes. Hey, I don’t really like the guy either, and a lot of what he’s done to handle the Favre situation has been questionable, but ESPN jerk offs have been lambasting him with every single move. They desperately just wanted Childress to tell them a month ago “yes” or “no” if Favre was going to be a Viking. But guess what? He didn’t fucking know. How could he, when Favre has been busy romancing with Fran Tarkenton? You want him to say “no” to be on the safe side and then have him actually show up? Then he’d be a liar. Want him to say “yes” and then find out that Favre’s arm isn’t up to it? Oops. Liar again. How about you have Ed Werder go to a mustache convention and report from there. It’d be more up his alley and probably better reporting.
– Adrian Peterson really is Jesus incarnate. I’m not kidding. This one is 100% true as well. Sure, ESPN will laud him, show multiple highlight reels of him, rate him number one in their fantasy football drafts and even make (un)funny mock-umentaries about his gripping handshake. But when the real story is that Jesus, fucking Jesus Christ, is back on Earth as Adrian Peterson … nothing. Not a single story. And you know why? Because then there would be someone more important than ESPN and it would drive them fucking nuts. Purple Jesus will make them pay now, mark my words. Stu Scott, you will never have an erection again. Sorry, that’s how PJ rolls.
Any other stories that ESPN sucks at? Put them in the comments. Also, guess which ones of the above stories are (probably) false!