As the 2011 Purple Jesus Diaries fantasy football season started this year, I was nervous. Last year, we had a Wisconsin fan win the league, making all of us morons from Minnesota look like a bunch of simpletons who didn’t know the first thing about football. This year, I did the unthinkable by expanding the league teams from 10 to 14, while simultaneously allowing a total of THREE Canadians into the league as well. What the hell, douche?! What happens if the winner is from Edmonton, and then you have to ship them a t-shirt you promised the winner with international shipping?! This blog doesn’t cover those type of expenses! You’re screwed!
From all of us in the PJD league, we can now thank the AMERICAN @mjbtompkins, aka, Wilf’s Stache, for fighting back a Wisconsonite who was looking for his second title in a row with a balsam stick. The Red, White, and Blue has been unfurled, your Cheeseback! The bald eagle is back! PJD has a new champion, and his team is named after a Jew! … Wait … Is that an OK thing?
Anyway, congrats to Wilf’s Stache on the league win, a free t-shirt, and bragging rights for the next year. Now, how did it happen?
Cheeseheads vs. Wilf’s Stache: First item on Wilf’s Stache’s agenda? Blowing Drew Brees until his knees buckle for giving him a fantasy football championship title. Brees dropped a cool 28 points when Wilf needed them most and put to rest any idea of a Cheese come back through Julio Jones. Best of all? He didn’t throw to Lance Moore hardly at all, either, whom Cheese had! Genius! Wilf also owes his first daughter to CJ Spiller, aka The Guy Who Sucked Until Last Week, and DeAngelo Williams. He’s not even the best running back on that team (
Jonathan Stewart Cam Newton)! Also, who doesn’t love the irony of Jordy Nelson sinking the Packer fan in the Championship playoffs?! SWEET JUSTICE! And while Wilf’s may be the only team in the history of the world to have won a Championship with the Arizona defense on their roster, Wilf should also thank the Cowboys for being a bag off buttholes this last weekend, ruining Dez Bryant’s weekend, and making Jason Witten obsolete, like a human tail. Unless you’re into kinky shit, like Feisty Fingers.
The Medal Winners: The final breakdown leaves the top three teams as such; 1. Wilf’s Stache 2. Cheeseheads 3. Parole Models. Parole Models? Yeah, I’m as baffled as you are. I forgot that people were playing for something besides the t-shirt. Do you think Parole knows you don’t win anything for getting third place? Maybe an internet high five, at best? As is, Yahoo! offered the tie-breaker in the playoffs to head-to-head match-up in the season, and then just defaults to playoff seeding. They REALLY put a lot of thought into this one. “Eh, just give it to someone, no one cares.” And they’re right. When Parole wins, no one cares. But if PJD were to win, it would be the biggest f*cking deal in the world, I promise you that. Anyone, congrats to you smug assholes.
On to 2012: As the fantasy year comes to an end, there are several “house keeping” things to address, and undress, like the French maid. RAWR! Whether it’s scoring, number of teams, prize, or something else that YOU have a concern about as a team owner in this said league, leave your ramblings that I will likely ignore in the comments! Now, on to MY business in convenient bullet point form:
- Attrition will MOST DEFINITELY occur during the offseason so that this league can get down to a managable number of teams. We already know Ponder’s Porn Palace is out, but I’m not sure YET which douche canoe will ignore the invites next year. I anticipate at least three of you leaving, getting us back down to 10. Perfect.
- I desperately want to move the fantasy league from Yahoo! Schports to something like ESPN, but now with two seasons under our belt, there is HISTORY in this league. Ever bothered to look at any of it? It’s kind of fun. So we’ll probably stay with Yahoo even though it blows.
- Keeper leagues? Set draft order for next year based on final standings? Yay or nay?
- I still like kickers scoring 37 points for your team. I think I heard some people have a period over it. Are there that many objectors or are there mainly people who just don’t give a shit? If that’s the case, I’m keeping my scoring.
- I am open to new division names for next year. Warcrafts’ Weenies? Percy’s Joint Jiggas? Literally, anything (not really).
- I promise to keep making t-shirts so the winner’s choice becomes even harder to make. WHAT FREE PIECE OF JUNK DO I WANT?!
Anyway, thanks again to everyone who followed, played, won, lost, cried, cheated, and made an unnecessary amount of roster moves. It didn’t help you at all, Kenny Britt’s Tits. We’ll see you all again next year. Wilf’s? Email me your mailing info with your t-shirt. If you’re half the man that Feisty is (she’s a woman …), you’ll send in a picture. SHOTS FIRED.