SON OF A BITCH.
I lost a game I should have won, a game against a low-life, now 6-5 team that puts them only two games behind me in the loss column with … I don’t know … one or two weeks left before the playoffs. I haven’t really been paying that great of attention. What I DO pay attention to is those jackalopes who beat me during the season. Remember how this 14 team league sucks? Remember how we need to trim the fat and get rid of some teams? Well, Wilf’s Stache just jumped to the top of my list. Yeah, buddy, you’re done. GTFO. And you only have yourself to blame. What kind of ass hole starts Jordy Nelson, legitimately, against another team? A white receiver? Come on, that’s a joke that spans the ages. Don’t do that. And just be happy that I didn’t start Marion Barbarian, either, because this terrible intro paragraph would have looked a lot different, then. Instead, I’d be boasting about my draft prowess of picking up Gronkowski and pairing him with Rodgers, creating a tandem of the best damn scoring machines in this year’s fantasy football leagues. SCORING ALL OVER YOUR FACE. I do not expect to lose again.
As for the rest of you losers? Let’s check in on this week’s fantasy football update:
Week Results: Amazingly, the Shirtless Men’s loss in week 11 doesn’t debilitate our overall standings TOO much. It makes things a bit tighter all around (and honestly, who doesn’t love that!), but it’s not terribly detrimental. This is in large part due to a week of weird shit going on. In particular, the main competition in Parole Models tied down onto a bed and was had by Cheesy in a bit of an upset. Likewise, Kenny Britt had a big week with 66 points and put a stop to Feisty Fingers reign of terror she’d been on recently. Even Tebow’s Bible Camp, the unquestioned number two team in the Gay Receiver division, took a couple of nuts to the chin this week as Percy’s Pot Dealer stole his stash from him. Two teams that have been not active at all this season did some stupid shit no one cares about, and then Touchdown FINALLY squeaked out a win over a favored SHIVA team, finally turning the tide for his season points for and against. Most surprising-slash-embarrassing of all, however?
TOYOTAS TOTALLY BITCHING TURKEY BLOW (OUT): Yikes. The Rose Gardeners, previous owner of a solid one win season, ended up not only beating up on a .500 team Moose Knuckles, but they also beat them so god damn bad that they won Toyota’s meaningless blow-out award this week. When you beat a team by 32 points, particularly when you are – and let me be very clear about this – THE WORST TEAM IN THE LEAGUE, you are clearly deserving of this award. Now, if I were Moose I would probably just peel off your sweaty white undies and start waving them above your head like a helicopter, because it’s over, man, you’re done. Finito. No one bounces back from something like this.
Overall Standings: At this time last week we were all looking at the top six teams and thinking they were all locked in for the playoffs. And while teams like MINE and other not-as-good-ones certainly will still make it in due to cheating and superior team management skills, the overall standings suggest that this bitch is spread wider open than Vikki Blows on a video set. Pretty much every top ranked team went down (on each other) this week, opening the doors up for both several mid-tier teams to potentially make a late season run and sneak into the playoffs and for those top ranked spots to flip flop a bit as things wind down. That first round bye is SUPER important, mostly because sports shows tell me so, but I really would like to keep it and be able to say “Yeah, I made it to the second round of my fantasy playoffs this year, no biggie” without explaining that I was still a first round exit, technically, when I end up losing the first playoff game I play. Got that? Good. So back off.
Playoff Standings: So what does the playoff picture actually look like then? Well … ………. actually not much has changed. PJD still has the top spot, Parole is sitting at number two, and Tebow is still hanging around at number three. However, Cheesy moved up to the fourth ranked spot, swapping ranks with SHIVA, and Moose Knuckles dropped out of the picture due to his shitty loss, while Wilf’s Stache all of a sudden is the perky wild card in this race. Is he going to go Packers on everyone’s ass and make it to the Championship? Hahahahahahahahano. At least, I don’t think so, but who knows. What this really means though is with Wilf’s at 6-5 and with four other teams tied or within a game of him, that last playoff spot is more up for grabs than a prom queen’s virginity. Will Kenny Britt make it in? Can Touchdown complete his come back? SO MUCH DRAMA!! However, from the number one seed from where I sit, it’s mostly just trivial entertainment. DANCE, YOU MINSTRALS!!
Medal of the Week: No medal this week. There were no new medals won this week. The only noteworthy item here is that there are like six people tied for second place in the medal race with five medals won. Better get to working on those cheap medals! And I don’t mean aluminum. *zing*
Ponder Play? God, this game seemed like forever ago. Ponder’s stats ended up way better than what they were against the Packers on Monday night a couple of weeks ago, but that probably goes without saying. Despite the three interceptions he threw which would have probably really pissed you off if you started him, he did come back with two touchdowns, over 200 yards passing, and should have been credited with two points for running over 50 yards as well. Not bad! That’s like nine points right there! Way better than what that more inferior shirtless quarterback Mark Sanchez did for me in another league! Way to go, Ponder! Still, don’t start him.
Looking Ahead: Last week I predicted that Cheese would upset Parole Models and, AGAIN, was right in my predictions. JESUS, I AM GOOD. Why am I not gambling for a profession? I am a moron. Predicting correctly again, this now puts me at 7-3-1 on the season, better than at least 75% of the rest of the actual teams in this league. This week, I have my eye on PJD’s Shirtless Men versus SHIVAS. It’s an inter-division battle which doesn’t mean a ton for individual playoff chances, but if SHIVA were to lose it’d make things a lot more interesting for the playoff picture. The match-up is currently predicted to be pretty close. PJD has Rodgers and Gronkowski again, but can they REALLY go back-to-back-to-back big week scores? SHIVA has Tony Homo, Michael Bush, and several Patriot players that are turning things around. Chances are, this game will live up to the hype and be pretty close, and it pains me to say this, but my guess is SHIVA wins with a stupid, big day from Romo on Thanksgiving. Asshole, Romo.
If I missed anything, tell us about it in the comments! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your match-up screen! Share your medals that you win! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT for next year! Enjoy week 12, turkey stuffers!