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Fantasy Dreams 2011 – PJD’s Fantasy Football Week 5 Update

More True Stories!
I play in three fantasy football leagues this year. In one of them I am 2-3 after just securing a ridiculous upset victory thanks to Purple Jesus scoring three touchdowns in like 10 minutes. In another one, I helped myself to a 53-52 point win thanks to Detroit absolutely mouth fisting the Chicago Bears offensive line Monday night. That left me at 2-3 as well in the other league. Two and three. I’m not a very good fantasy football player. But you know what? Apparently that doesn’t matter because the other 13 people I play with in this PJD League are even worse, because here I am, 5-0, undefeated, and laughing at all you peasants where the next best record in this league is 3-0-2.

In conclusion, I am awesome, I am winning my own league, you suck, let’s get to it:

Eat. A. Dick. Losers. Look at that line up I just won with. LOOK AT IT AND SHUDDER WITH FEAR! See how John Kuhn can strike fear into your heart with his zero points. Amaze at the two points I selfishly took from Arizona’s defense. Go wide-eyed at Thomas Jones’ two fantasy points! U MAD, bros? Not even Phillip Rivers, Pierre Garcon, Fred Jackson, and the mighty Ryan Longwell can take me down! Why do I even pretend to be humble brag about this shit any more? There is no point. None of you can beat me, even with half of my point makers on a bye week. YOU SUCK! And I am certain that when of you cheese brains finally do knock me off it will be like the Vikings beating the Packers for their second win of the season. Big effing deal, in the grand scheme of things, but whatever makes you losers happy. HAHAHAHAI am so god damn upset that this is the only league I ever do something positive in EVER. Moron.

Biggest blow out that doesn’t count: Our official sponsor that still hasn’t UPS’ed me a free truck yet, TOYOTA, declared that Percy’s Pot Dealer had the largest blow out this week as he put up …. *double checks* …. 49 points over The Rose Gardeners? Dammit, that shouldn’t even qualify for a win. 49 points is a loss any other day of the week, and just because Percy’s lucked out with Rose shouldn’t matter, but here we are. And Rose? What, the, hell, is, going, on, dude. 30 points? I know it was the first of the bye weeks, but come on. I hope you have learned your lesson about auto-drafting. This has to be a new low, both figuratively and literally, but maybe not for his real life. I’m sure that hand-job to a hobo for a cup of warm tea ranks up there as the lowest.

Overall standings: I’m looking at the overall standings, even in week 5 now, and trying to discern who the movers and shakers are. Clearly, you have ME at 5-0 that is doing REALLY well. That’s a good team, right there. Then you have Feisty Fingers who, at 0-5, has the worst record in the league. More importantly though, she is still trying, which is what counts the most. Other solid teams so far include Tebow’s, Parole Models, and Cheeseheads. For some reason though, we have just a BUSHEL of two-win teams, which is both good and bad. Good for them, because it still gives them blind hope that they can make the playoffs this season so they shouldn’t give up on the year yet, and bad for the rest of us because the sooner they roll over and die, the sooner we get more free wins. Sooo … hurry up and die already, nerds.

Medal of the Week: I don’t mean to keep tugging my own noodle here (yes I do), but this week’s medal belongs to PJD as well because, well, look at it. It’s a roll of toilet paper! Hahahaha … poop jokes are so funny. But really, what this really means is that PJD is on a 5-game winning streak … or roll … the streak joke is pretty funny too, like racing stripes, so maybe Yahoo! has a sense of humor and offered a double meaning with this. Cool by me. I’m really hoping I can get to 10 wins, because there is another hidden medal at that point.

Also, if you check the medals section you can see the teams ranked based on overall medals. Currently Tebow’s and PJD are tied at the top with 5 medals on the year. Can anyone beat us for more total medals? I doubt it.

Fantasy Mailbag! By GOB, we had a couple of (not serious at all) entries into the Fantasy Mailbag this week! So let’s jump to it. First, from Jake comes this very serious question:

  • Would you rather give it to your mom or take it from your dad?

I hate your soul. Finally, from Ben (who I don’t think is in this league?) Asks:

  • I was wondering, should I pick up McDouble Chees… McNabb for my new starting QB?? I kid of course, but honestly any comments on my league with one-too-many people with slim pickings, of me picking up Micheal Jenkins? And do you have any shirtless pics of Kluwe? It would be the best Warcraft Wednesday of my life.

Great questions, LOFTY questions. One of the teams I played against in my other league had McNabb on the bench and actually would have scored, what, 8 or 10 points if he would have started? McNabb can only go up in fantasy points until Pondexter starts, at least from where he’s been. If you are in a 14 team deep league like this stupid one, McNabb wouldn’t be the worst QB you could start if both of your starters have byes. But that would be the only reason. With Michael Jenkins, I’m of the same feeling. He can’t be any better than what McNabb is, which is pretty bad, so I wouldn’t bet on him. He might be a decent flex or 3rd level WR in a bye week. And no shirtless pics of Kluwe, at least that I know of, but if anyone dares to ask him on Twitter and gets him to tweet one, send it our way and you know it will be a feature!

Got a question of your own? We’ll answer it unless it’s incestual, you assholes. Email us HERE. DO IT.

Looking ahead: The most significant match-up this week involves two team battling for second place in the division. That’s … actually a note-worthy match-up! I think I have it set where only the top three teams from each division get into the playoffs, so the person who locks up that number two spot is looking pretty good. The number three spot gets all mixed in with those other mediocre teams, and with all the ties and weird shit going on in this league, there’s no way you can take that chance. And since no one is beating out PJD in that division, second place is your best bet. So this weekend’s match-up between Tebow’s and Wilf’s is kind of a big deal. After picking two games last week FLAWLESSLY (PJD win, Parole win), my pick record now sits at 3-1-1. Why I’m not in Vegas is beyond me. Either way, looking at rosters I have to say … No idea, because you jack offs have half of your players on bye. But with Drew Brees going against whatever back-up QB Tebow’s has, I’ll pick Wilf’s to win this week and not give a single F.

If I missed anything, tell us about it in the comments! Make sure you vote on who you think will win each game before they start on the league boards! Keep up the shit talking on your match-up screen! Share your medals that you win! Remember that if you fail to do any of these things YOU’RE F*CKING OUT for next year! Enjoy week six, lady-boys!