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Fantasy Dreams – PJD’s Fantasy Football Divisional Playoffs Update

Does it freak you out that something already says “playoffs” when it comes to football? Because it kind of freaks me out. It freaks me out because it means that soon, very, very soon, football in 2010 will be coming to an end. We’ve already lost college football on Saturday’s, which sucks, and after this disastrous weekend I am now out of fantasy football to engage in on Sunday mornings, with my warm cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee and my hand down my pants as I idiotically change my line up to some Mexican quarterback that is playing the position worse than TarVar.

Yes, I started Sanchez, and yes it cost me a playoff win. Fuck me in the exit wound.

Winners gonna win:
It wasn’t even close. Well, it was to start, but only if you ignored that Ass Virginity and Cheesy both had like five players left to play and Feisty and myself had tapped out on our resources. In m match up with Cheesy, I jumped out to an early lead as my kicker dropped 12 points last Thursday night. As the early games started on Sunday, Pittsburgh’s defense and Mercedes Lewis started producing uncommon numbers. Sure, I kept watching and waiting for Megatron to catch, like, ONE fucking long pass please, but he didn’t and I figured it was OK, because I still had SO many other players left that average decent numbers, and hey, I had these other spots put up uncharacteristic highs, so I should be good to go! ….. I wasn’t, however, as Marques Colston, the Patriots defense, and David Akers (who I had going in another playoff game in another fantasy league that I also lost this last weekend in) kept putting up points and dropping my chances. But I still had my savior, my Purple Jesus, my forgiver of masturbating, looking down on me from Monday Night Football kind of, and I felt that if he could just repeat last week’s performance (100+ yards and 2 touchdowns, pl0x?!) that I’d be a winner. …. Well, we know what happened, and I is a losar now.

Feisty faced a similar struggle against Ass Virginity. I once called her a Vaginal Powerhouse in this here column what seems like months ago, but as the season has gone on she’s lost her Labia Power with age, and her team proved just as listless. Despite her big day from Darren McFadden, Feisty suffered through injuries to that douche cunt Aaron Rodgers and a returning Mario Manningham while Ass Virginity rested his laurels on Ahmad Bradshaw and Michael Turner. At least these two proved to be entertaining (and I an idiot) with their continued trash talk:

  • Ass Virginity Counts

    December 12, 2:44 pm

    Michael Turner isn’t going to let you run away with this matchup.

  • Mel Gibsons Athletes

    December 12, 2:57 pm

    How fitting that Ass Virginity and Feisty Fingers are playing such a TIGHT match up.

  • Ass Virginity Counts

    December 12, 6:06 pm

    It is. Also fitting is me making the wrong start/sit decisions like I have for every team every week the whole season.

  • Ass Virginity Counts

    December 12, 10:27 pm

    Late Witten TD gets my dick all wet. Now it’s 3 on 3 tomorrow night with me up 5.

  • Mel Gibsons Athletes

    December 12, 11:27 pm

    You two are putting all your eggs into a Giants basket? Fucking weird. You’re both about to get Manning Faced.

  • Feisty Fingers

    December 13, 7:22 pm

    Fucking Rodgers is a pussy. Although he probably wouldn’t have done much better than 1 pt.

  • Feisty Fingers

    December 13, 7:36 pm

    Now Manningham is injured? FUCK!!!

  • Ass Virginity Counts

    December 13, 8:43 pm

    Should have started this catch phrase earlier in the season, but your ass virginity just got taken by that Bradshaw run.

  • Feisty Fingers

    December 13, 8:49 pm

    Fuck Bradshaw. I really should NOT be losing this game. I’m getting screwed and not even enjoying it.

  • Ass Virginity Counts

    December 13, 9:04 pm

    Most girls don’t enjoy getting screwed by me. My team was built for the playoffs.

  • Feisty Fingers

    December 13, 9:19 pm

    Maybe I will have more fun playing with myself tonight. This game and the Vikings sucked!

Don’t start a Viking, I implore you:
Not that there are any still available to start health wise, anyway. Also, I would wager that the teams that are still playing probably don’t have a Viking that has started on their roster, which probably says a whole lot. This would be where you would insert the sad trombone. Sound. Sad trombone sound. Not actually inserting … I mean, Ass Virginity could handle that fo … You know what, the Vikings are done, let’s move on.

Conference Championships, essentially: This week we head in to what is essentially our conference championships now. We have some underdogs in Cheesy and Ass Virginity taking on the two teams that have been most consistent this year in Crocs and Percy’s. Last week in predicting I was 1-1, predicting correctly I would lose (I thought it’d be 67-50 and it was actually 67-55 … pretty good by me!) and predicting incorrectly that Feisty would be a run-away winner. So let’s see if I can do any better this week.

Crocs v. Cheesy: I’m not sure how Cheesy keeps winning. Sure, he has Brady, Akers, Chris Johnson and a seemingly hot NE Defense, but CJ28 has been hit or miss this season and you can’t count on a defense or a kicker to score you double digits each week. On the other hand, Croc’s has got Rivers, Arian Foster, MJD, Lawrence Tynes and Chicago’s defense. … I don’t like either of those teams, outside of Chicago’s D against the Vikings this week. This should be a close game, but I’ll still with the more impressive winner this season in Crocs and pick him as one representative in the championship game. He’ll beat Cheesy something like 64-57.

Ass Virginity v. Percy’s: AV brings his hot, sexy, playoff ready team to Percy’s Bodega this weekend, most likely working with Schaub, Turner, and Bradshaw again, against Percy’s starting squad of possibly Vick, Desean Jackson, Tolbert, Vernon Davis and …. Cleveland’s defense? I’m going to go bonkers this week and call an Ass Virginity upset. He’s going to flip Percy’s over and puncture his fart box in a convincing win, busting Percy’s down like a Rich Gannon led Raiders team in the playoffs. Look for a 67-62 upset win.

An ode to the losers: The rest other six teams are done, but not forgotten. Apparently Feisty and I get to match up for an UNPRECEDENTED third time this season to slap fight and see who gets fifth place, whatever that means. Even Parole Models and Wilf’s Stache are battling, for them to see who gets to play for 7th or 9th place, against the winner/loser of Rose and Visanthe. Congrats, suckers! One of you will be the total worst team. Do we let this decide what draft position will be like next year, or are we too afraid of these jackalopes tanking? I’m too afraid, because I know I would cheat if I could to get a good pick next year.

Either way, enjoy the games, everyone, and we’ll cover again next week when the big innagural championship is geared up in PJD’s league. Hurray!