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Feeling up your Draft Picks 2010: Joe Webb

With the 2010 NFL Draft officially in the books, it is now time to sit the new fresh meat down and POUND them for info on who the hell you are exactly. Today, we continue with the Vikings sixth round pick, former UAB quarterback wide receiver, Joe Webb

Name: His name is Joe Webb, which reminds me of David Webb, which reminds me of David Bourne, and then I think about the Bourne Trilogy, going from the last installment all the way to the first one, which starred Matt Damon with Clive Owen, and then I think about that other movie that Clive Owen was in with Natalie Portman, Closer, and the scene where, despite my life long crush on Natalie Portman, the scene where she strips isn’t really all that attractive. And then I am disappointed. And now, I’m upset at Joe Webb for no real reason at all.

Measurables: Not-David-Webb comes in at six foot three inches and 223 pounds of man. The main allure about Joe Webb throughout the entire draft process has largely just been his measurables. He wasn’t invited to the NFL Combine, because scouts were too busy fapping in the stands to Tebow, but at UAB’s pro day Webb put numbers up that are alleged to be just as intriguing as highly touted Maryland offensive tackle Bruce Campbell, which of course raises the question; why was Webb not drafted by the Raiders? /easyjokes. Regardless, his pro day numbers were impressive. CBSSports.com reports them as:

4.44 40, 42.5″ vertical, 11’05” broad jump, 4.40 short shuttle, 21 reps, 6.71 three-cone

which makes as much sense to me as hair extensions. I assume that chicken scratch looks good to NFL scouts.

Three smiles: This kid is so athletic he could smile three times before you could even frown once! Webb is so athletic that he can put his pants on two legs at a time. He’s so damned athletic that he can dance with two left feet AND two right feet. It’s incredible. And his size is outstanding. Let’s for just one moment take a magical trip to fairy land where Joe Webb is a ridiculously polished route runner and (foot)ball catcher. He’s be almost as impressive as Megtron Johnson who measures in at six foot four and 236. Webb is just RAW TALENT, like me writing blogs! How can you not take a chance on him with a jack-off sixth round pick, THE SAME PICK TOM BRAAAHHHDDY WAS PICKED AHT!

No smiles: Now, with that senseless smugness out of the way, let’s be honest here. Webb is a total nomad pro prospect. He’s got crazy athletic skill but doesn’t seem polished enough in any one area to really make any kind of difference or impact at the pro level. You can get away with being labeled as an “athlete” in college, because you have at least three years to get coached before games really count and you just end up playing against a bunch of kids that are running around getting high and chasing poon all of the time. You can just run by people and it doesn’t really matter. In the NFL? Not so much. The talent level is much higher and for some reason people take it way too seriously. Maybe they just get bored and start practicing like they like it. Either way, the chances of some guy that’s a Renaissance Man making it in the Digital Age is probably pretty slim. Not that we won’t be rooting for him. I mean, anything to give the team a reason to kick Greg Lewis off the team is ok by me.

Who be mad? No one. Todd Lowber? But he’s probably just mad that he doesn’t have that type of mad skillz (you’ll notice “skills” was spelled with a Z there … serious business) and never made the team, assuming Webb does. But Webb doesn’t really strike fear into anyone’s hearts. Not TarVar’s or Sage’s, not Lewis’ or Reynaud’s. Maybe Jaymar Johnson, but … whatever. Jaymar’s area a dime a baker’s dozen.

Training camp star? You bet your ass. If Webb ever makes it to a regular season active squad I will shit in my hat. You figure he’ll be able to slip through waivers and end up on the practice squad this year to spend some time refining his craft, or workin’ on his fidness, whatever the kids are saying now-a-days. Chances are though when everyone ends up in training camp that Webb will make one or two awesome plays and become everyone’s favorite training camp prospect, pimping him to no end like we just stole Randy Moss in the sixth round. Come on guys, it’s just some guy that runs fast. Have we never seen that before?

Ouch. Anyway, you like the pick? Hate it? Still don’t know who Webb is? Totally think he’s going to have like a 1,000 yards next year? Leave your take in the comments.