Former player and Minnesota Vikings head coach from 1961 to 1966, Norman Van Brocklin has a unique view on the team. When you’re, like, 97 years old or whatever and dead you tend to have seen a lot of things in your time. Occasionally he’ll come by PJD to offer his insight and perspective in his own column aptly titled “Interview with a Pepaw”. Today, he discuss the return of the Vikings to outdoor football, and brings along his special press pass for the game. Is he dead? Maybe. Does that mean he can’t actually talk? Whatever. But here he is.
“Take your self entitled eyeball glasses off for a second, quit touching your ding-a-ling, and think for a second how excited some of us old people are who AREN’T a bunch of wafting vaginal discharges about this Minnesota Vikings football game that is getting moved outside. HOLY ROSEMARY CLOONEY! The news of that techno-future Metrodome collapsing was enough to bring my whisky dick from six to about 7:30, and that was raging! I haven’t been this excited since I shot a Nazi in the face from point blank range when I was 17. You ever had brains splatter back onto your tongue? It is damn exhilarating, much like this ball shattering football game is going to be!
“The only thing that tethers my goat is those panty wastes in Chicago clamoring on about how the field at the Brick House is going to be too dangerous too play on, too slippery for their delicate teensies to run up and down the field on. YOU YELLOW BELLIED COMMIES! I SHOULD RAISE OUT OF MY GRAVE AND SHIT ON YOUR PORCH! Too cold? What in sam hell are you talking about?! It’s going to be 20 plus degrees outside, and you think it’s too cold? You know what’s too cold? Your mom’s witches tit when she brushed it against my lips in a whisky haze! THAT’S too cold! The damn football field? Jesus, you kids are a bunch of pussies now-a-days. Back when I used to play, we’d wear less padding, less layers, and play on God damn glaciers! Now you want to spend your days throwing the football in a forward motion and dancing in the endzones … Dammit! I bet you enjoy tutus and baking too, don’t you? I’ve never been so embarrassed for my sex …
“And that’s why I’m calling for an all out throwback game this Monday. No, I DEMAND IT! First things first. We don’t allow any women or children into our press boxes. We’re not reporting on shoes and Lincoln Logs here, OK? We’re talking about slow, methodical football outdoors in the cold. That’s not a place for women and children. They should be home, watching the Ed Sullivan show, making cakes and working on their arithmetic problems. Men should be out in the conditions, in the cold, writing wordy descriptions for the newspapers like ‘Gee willikers, young Peterson took the brined football hide three whips to the moon on his spectacular 12 yard run that proved to be the longest of the bitter eve, punishing a Bears defense like a resurgent Cowardly Lion!’ You know, things like that. We also need zero heaters on the sidelines, to be garbed in our traditional battle attire and not those circus side show freak uniforms these limp wristed players wear today, zero forward passes, and smuggled in booze with flasks and tape jobs to your scrotum. This should be easy too, since they banned booze in this damn stadium. What is this, prohibition again?
“Regardless, let’s make this historic event one to remember, and show people that Minnesota residents actually have male genitals between their legs still. We’re not a bunch of highfalutin tap dancers that can’t stand the cold. We’re going to head out Monday night like it’s a damn summer break with as warm as it’s supposed to be, and skin some Bear hides!!
“….. Right after I take my nap, of course. Now leave me alone.”