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Jared Allen Says “Don’t Come At Me, Bro” and Other Rookie Tips

OK, he didn’t really say THAT, but he pretty much did, when NBC Sportstalk asked him if he had any instructions for Minnesota Vikings new left tackle, Matt Kalil. The full quote (taken from PFT, it’s legitimate, folks!) was this:

“Just don’t touch me,” Allen said. “I’m too old to deal with overzealous rookies right now. Keep your hands out of my face, don’t grab my jersey and we won’t have to fist fight. That’s pretty much what it is.”

Seems like pretty simple advice. BTFU, Matt Kalil. Oh, and sign your rookie contract, too. Please.

This got Purple Jesus Diaries thinking, though. What other advice would some wily old veterans on the team have for the new rookies? We put together our best guesses after the jump:

Each rookie on the team is going to go through some type of growing pains. That’s just how it goes. Carry around the pink backpack, buy donuts for the fat linemen, maybe even drive Chris Kluwe to the airport whenever it’s needed. But if they do these little things – and do them well – they may even be able to pick up some helpful knowledge along the way:

  • Rookie safety Harrison Smith tapped former Viking Brian Russel for some knowledge on how to best play the position for the purple. Russell imparted his skill of “being white” and saying that being a good safety, for him, meant being a good cheerleader, making sure you always know when to be in the right place at the right time, not so you can get interceptions or help on tackles, but so that you can be in the camera shot when the TV cameras move to the tackle your cornerback made and you’re just running into the scene clapping like you were TOTALLY going to make the play anyway, bro.
  • Former Viking Cedric Griffin was able to sit down with new cornerback Josh Robinson and tell the young man “don’t lose both your knees.” When asked to elaborate, Griffin was confused, asking “what more do you need? Keep both your knees. It’s pretty simple.”
  • One of two new receivers, former Arkansas player Jarius Wright, talked to Percy Harvin about what it takes to be successful in the NFL. Harvin started off as his usual humble self, saying “yeah, it, uh, pays to be humble and to, uh, know your place, sir, and to make sure that you always SMOKE ENOUGH GREENERY TO NOT FLIP YOUR SHIT AT THE SIGN OF A MISSED FIELD GOAL BECAUSE YOUR GOD DAMN TEAM IS A HOSE FULL OF SHIT AND YOU WANT TO DEMAND A TRADE, but, uh, make sure you just keep your cool, play hard, and uh, you’ll be fine.”
  • Before he left Minnesota, former Vikings tight end Jim Kliensasser chatted with rookie Rhett Ellison, who will effectively be taking #40’s spot on the roster. Kliensasser told him to eat a lot, block well, and catch a 2 yard pass on third and one every four games to remind the general manager why you’re needed.
  • Greg Childs was fortunate enough to get the number for a wide receiver who he plays a bit like in Sidney Rice. Rice shared with Childs to always make sure you were catching your passes from Brett Favre, don’t follow along on Tarvaris Jackson’s career, and everything should be fine for you if you don’t tear a muscle in your hip, too.
  • New cornerback Robert Blanton learned a valuable lesson from on-again-off-again Vikings cornerback Benny Sapp who simply told him, “FUCK YO PENALTY FLAG, I GRAB WHAT I WANNA GRAB” before he was dragged away from getting to touchy with a woman at a bar, probably.
  • Blair Walsh, new kicker from Georgia, touched base with long-time Viking Gary Anderson who simply said, “Always aim a little bit more to the right than you think you should.”
  • Erin Henderson shared a bit of knowledge he had picked up over time from his brother and former Viking EJ Henderson with new Vikings linebacker Audie Cole. Erin told the young man that EJ had always imparted how important it was to your career to never play on the same field as Jamarca Sanford. If you can escape playing with him in your backfield, you’ll live to play another day.
  • Finally, new defensive end Trevor Guyton was able to get a hold of former Viking great Pat Williams, who shared the secret to his professional success: “Eat more cake.”

Do you have any tips for the incoming rookie class? Let’s hear them in the comments and get ready to see if they listen when training camp finally starts this weekend.