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Let Me Clarify


A funny thing happened this weekend, fair readers. Despite my best intentions, there was an assistance coach at the small North Iowa Area Community College that fabricated a blasphemous story about my generous heart and goodwill towards man. In a brief rundown, it appears that their funding for their local football program had run dry, and the assistance coach had alleged that I, as well as three other unnamed professional football stars, had donated the money in an effort to keep the program afloat. Over the weekend, the coach came clean and admitted that he had never even contacted me about the issue, nor anyone else, and that the entire story was a lie. While it is true that he didn’t receive any financial support from me or others, his contrite statement is not entirely true; he did contact me, yet I denied his request for one specific reason.

I found out that he was heavily into jailbait.

Now, is this so wrong? I mean, I know I’m rather infallible and am not tempted by worldly, mortal teases. And we’re talking about Iowa here. I’ve never been myself, nor would I ever want to after you’ve stepped foot in Heaven, but my understanding is that there’s not a lot to look at. So, instead of casting the first stones, let’s take a look at his side of the story.

You’re an assistant coach at a local Community College that has a bunch of underachieving, dimwitted dredges of society meandering through your doors on a daily basis. Most of them are interested in wasting their lives away on the next addictive kick or wallowing away their daddy issues in the crotch of their herpes infested companion. I don’t hold these weaknesses against these people; I don’t judge them. That’s not for me to do. What I am here to do is try to help people see the error of their ways and to set them back on the right path regardless of their previous miscues. I do that either by setting the single game rushing record or consistently putting up elite fantasy football numbers. In this day and age of schizophrenic attention spans, it seems to be the most efficient way to grab people’s attention and inspire them to do well.

Could I have inspired good behavior by simply giving this man $150,000.00 to continue the football program at his Community College? Of course. But what would that have taught him? The old adage is true; if you give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime. What I’m really trying to do by making him work for his program is trying to ingrain in him the need for a lifestyle change. Sure, hot pieces of ass are great to look at. Listen, I may be Godly, but I’m not blind. When you see a sexy little 17 year old walking around in sporty shorts, any person with flaws may do a double take. Of course, I don’t have flaws, so I can’t speak from experience. But I do understand human behavior, and I understand that this man’s behavior needs to change.

I’ll be watching him closely, just as I’ll be watching Sidney Rice and Tarvaris Jackson and their apparent penchant for jailbait ass as well. At least this Community College coach had it around him all day; he could just say he was tempted by presence and call it a day of confession. My two idiot teammates will get their comeuppance though, if their behavior continues as well. Because it’s not what you do in life that determines your fate, it’s only what you ask forgiveness for. Keep this in mind today as your surfing your internet porn on your iPhone today in the work bathroom stall. We’re watching …