Ya know, I’m not that sure why Marcus McCauley all of a sudden has started performing so much better in training camp. Reports indicate that he’s been stellar, starting in Winfield’s absence and picking off passes as frequently as Troy Williamson dropped them. So what’s the deal? PJD did some hard core investigative journalism (See: Accidentally stumbled across) and came up with a semi-plausible answer …
He’s trying to get away from that. I mean, what else can it be? Just ask Sidney Rice, everyone makes some mistakes with women. So, chances are, he probably accidentally hooked up with the girl in the tiger dress (always a classy choice), motorboated the shit out of her ta-tas, and then tried to hit the road.
But guess what? Them bitches be crazy about football players. She was probably MySpacing him every 30 minutes for a week until he finally smashed her in a broom closet somewhere. She probably then thought they were dating for weeks after that. He probably went to a clinic and got a VD check. Guess what? *CLAP* You got it. So he tried to avoid her at all costs. She wasn’t having it. So he met up with her to finally tell her he got her a restraining order, but then he started thinking with his instincts, grabbed a Bud Light, and hit on the chick in the green dress. All of a sudden?
Tag team city. Now he’s stuck. Finally though, mini camp rolled around and he was like “Aw, baby, you know I love you and shit, but I really got to fight for my job here. We got all these camps and training activities and film sessions … I’m just swamped here.” Being a nasty hoe, she pointed out the obvious; “Marcus, their optional, dickface.” But he wasn’t going to let her win that easy. “Nah, baby, I gotta be here for them. For me, for the team. Sorry, I’ll call you later.” Of course, he still hasn’t.
But guess what?! All that time avoiding her has actually helped out and here he is, playing well and living up to his potential in OTAs thus far. So, thank you, mysterious tiger print gypsy woman. You’ve helped to make the Vikings defense better this year, which is more than I can ever say I’ve done.
Unless you count the time I traded for Ed Reed in Madden 2006 …